Tuesday, January 26 is a special day for us. Our Comedian, our last rainbow, turns five. Please click over for a birthday post if you like. She is featured in a photo...

Tuesday, January 26 is also a special, albeit difficult, day for other families. Two of our angel wall families are remembering their babies tomorrow. The function of the Angel Wall has been expanded slightly. Please click over to read about it and remember.

Sending love to all of you... Cara

Emma

This post is easy - and yet, it's hard.

I find I don't have much to say lately, here. I have pictures galore and stories to match at The Bear and the Comedian, my other blog. I am finding such joy in my growing children, trying to document it all so I can look back someday and know I really lived it.

This space remains vacant, blank. The stark contrast made me stop and think.

After much reflection I seemed to find an answer. BHB was created with a purpose. It is an 'Emma driven' blog, a window where I journal about her presence in our lives. My lack of stories doesn't mean that she isn't here, showing herself in small ways, comforting our hearts in time of struggle, and appearing on the lips of her sister's daily.

What came to me was that I had unintentionally futher defined this space as a place to write about the emotionally challenging times that Emma's presence and past bring to me. The tears, the strife, the worldly conflicts, the righteous indignignation, the anger, the frustration, the love that tears you in two because you can't fullfil it with touch.

Yes, this was the vapory place. The space for all the emotions that only you would understand.

So, what's happened?

Joy, in larger doses than I've ever imagined. The thought of Emma's presence brings my heart joy, swelling it momentarily. Tears still sting my eyes but they are simultaneously accompanied by a wide smile.

I often speak to the SSV support group about 'integrating' their loss. Acceptance is a fallicy, but allowing your child's spirit to live on in your family by integrating them in the way their story allows is a healthy grieving process. As I recently wrote in a grant to create countless more memory boxes for families, "Healthy grief leads to integrated grief, empowering grieving parents to give back, to reach out to the newest families struck down by the tragedy of loss".

Apparently, with the exception of minor annual 'blips' and my downtime during the season of her birthday, I have done that.

This is why I haven't seen fit to write here lately. Not because I don't have things to say, but they are all upbeat, loving, signs of her integration, and - yes, joyful.

Recognizing how I defined this space has allowed me to expand that definition. I want to share these heart-lifting times with you too. I'm just not sure you want to hear them, yet, depending on where you are in your process.

I suppose that is your choice, to read - or not to read. Just know that it is possible you will find uplifting tales of the '9 years after' variety, and if you do choose to read through may they bring you hope that the dark early days do dissipate, that you will choose to re-enter the world, and that the attacks of grief which blindsight you so often in the early years receed, slowly, with time.

Someday, his name - her name - their names, will cause you to tear up and smile simultaneously.

Share Newsletter and Submission Opportunity

I try to keep what's Emma's Emma's and what's Share's Share's, but in this case they are one in the same.

I recently put up a post at SSV's blog about the newsletter that comes out every two months.

I'm re-post it here, primarly for the submission opportunity. I know many of you write about the grief of your losses. Here is an outlet for submission that is SURE to get distributed to others who may share your experience.

Let me know if you do. I'll look for it in coming issues! - Cara

If you are a bereaved parent you may already be sent the Sharing newletter put out by the National Share office.If not, we will link to it here every two months for you to access. Each issue has a topic.

The January/February 2010 Sharing newsletter is now available online at http://www.nationalshare.org/Jan-Feb_2010_with_cover.pdf. The topic is Meeting Milestones and we hope you enjoy it.

The editors are always looking for sumbissions to match a future topic. If you experience fits the topic, feel free to send in your piece.

The topic for the March/April 2010 issue is Recurrent Loss. If you have experienced recurrent pregnancy losses, we invite you to share your experiences with other readers. We are looking for stories of how you coped, any answerers you received, and how you eventually felt hopeful for the future. The submission deadline for this issue is February 1. Please send your submissions to Rose Carlson.

A Construction Plateau

The odd thing about a project is that when completed, you rarely remember how you 'lost steam' midway and it just sat there for a while.

I don't mind, really, we have all been so sick. But, still - it would be nice to get to my part of the transition! Ok, I'll enlist help picking paint colors (I always do), even so getting Bear in her new room will be so nice!

If you need the sorted tale that is: the beginning of the project, click here, if not - say some inspirational, under-the-breath, mutterings in Jer's general direction.

And, to show how much faith I have in all of you -- I'll start consulting my color guides.

Where we currently stand:

The smaller bathroom -- with a wall!

The same wall, from the other side: becoming Bear's closet.

Look, electrical and all!

A new door frame!

Comedian's room, with wall! First paint choice goes here!

Show and Tell: Demo and It's About Time!!

I have mentioned before that I live in an old house, a very old house, an 1800's farmhouse to be exact.

We love it. We fell in love with it the minute we did our first walkthrough. This love may have blindsighted us to the degree the current owners lied through their slightly-crooked teeth
about how much work had been done to the place.

We've re-wired the whole place. And that's why my husband nearly got electricuted when the knob and tube in the kitchen was still live...

Oh, the septic tank? It's been pumped every two years, and the most recent pump was just last year... Really? Is that why the guy from the septic place said it was full to bursting and we just nearly avoided it bursting cause it hadn't been done in at least 4 years?

Oh yes, we gutted every room, took out the plaster and lathes, added sheetrock and insulation -- *ahem* -- except the kitchen.

Ok, they told the truth about the kitchen. But they had to, with it's obvious plaster sticking out behind older-than-dirt wallpaper and the stunning hot-pink, plywood kitchen cabinets!

Anyway, over the course of the 8+ years we have lived here we have done little to the interior. Painted some rooms as rainbow babies arrived. And, yes, contracter Jer has actually re-done the kitchen, making his own cherry cabinets and an exposed beam ceiling I could still lie down and stare up at for hours.

And so recently we began a conversation we've had about a million times. "You know, for being such a big house it really only has three bedrooms" he said. "Yeah" I responded, "and I really miss my guest room. The girls need a playroom. *sigh* I know we've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that they cannot sleep together, but - seriously -..."

And together we finished, for we have said it to the point of naseum, "girls that size do not need bedrooms that big!"

Oddly, the conversation we've had a million times resulted in a different ending. "Well" my amazing husband said standing in the upstairs bathroom staring at the jaccuzi tub that doesn't actually work, "if I eliminated that wall and put a door here I could put a wall here, then here, and...."

You get the point. He has vision like that. I just nodded and smiled because I don't, and, even though the conversation had never progressed to this point, I still thought it was all musing and possibilities.

Until the day I came home to, this:

It seemed our 'project' had begun.

"This is a perfect size bedroom for a little girl, don't you think?" he asked me. And, yes, it looked lovely from this side of the camera. Check out the 180 degree shot!

Bear even got in on the action! She loved demo and was quite good at it.

She really loved throwing all the lathes out Comedian's bedroom window! Oh -- and in case you didn't catch on. Do you see any inulation? Sheetrock? Um, no -- really? Grrrr.... can you say, can.of.worms?

I won't even tell you about the mess the pluming is in. Liar Liar, pants on fire....that's all I have to say.
Even still, the ever growing project seems to make my family happy. I, for one, have never been happier to live within the realm of chaos. It means change is coming! Bear loves beating on things with a hammer. And Comedian, well -- just look at her and her daddy!

Current Status: The bathroom is in the hallway.

A new wall is under construction...

Comedian sleeps nightly in a 'room with a view' - if you will... (the other side of the room - to the right- is the nice, homey shot from the beginning of this post!)

And, the jacuzzi tub still sits on the front porch. Does that make us the owners of a 'redneck yard' I wonder?

Stay tuned, this project is sure to get more interesting or frustrating or expensive, or -- all of the above! But, one thing is for sure it will result in: 2 appropriately sized bedrooms for small girls and a playroom / guest room for playing and visiting!

Ahhhhhh.....progress. Nice yes? Dont' forget tos check out what everyone else is showing and telling.

Happy Birthday Share Southern Vermont!

Hard to believe, but today is Share Southern Vermont's first birthday!!!

For my gooey, heartfelt post about the meaning of this day at SSV's blog CLICK HERE.

Oh, and if you feel like adding to the mush I am today, go ahead and leave a birthday wish for us.

Amazing, this all started with a post (Hmmm, I'd like to start some kind of support group) and a comment, (Well, have you ever heard of Share?)

Puff-Puff...Chuga-Chuga

Is a very cute book about a train conductor concerned his little engine will never survive the track with three big animals on it.

It is also a euphamism for my current mindset. Read on, and you will see why!

I am still sick. It stinks, as there is so very much I was supposed to have done / still have to do for Share by the end of the year.

It used to seem far away. Now it looms. And, so does my cough of nearly two weeks. It led me to the doctor today saying inane things like, "But I don't really feel sick-sick; I just can't stop coughing, you know?"

He raised his eyebrows at me. It was a bit daunting as he was wearing a mask and all I could see were his eyes.

One nebulizer treatment later I am now the proud owner of my very first inhaler, ever. No, I don't have asthma, but apparently whatever cold virus got a hold of me grasped tightly to my lungs (literally) and my future for the next week is measure in puffs: 2 every four hours, with kick-a$$ cough/codine medicine as a chaser so I finally get some sleep in my own bed, not sitting straight up on the couch.

Comedian doesn't sound much better. Her appt is tomorrow afternoon.

*big sigh* cough-cough -cough-cough (Note to self: deep breaths induce coughing fits...don't do it!)

I have to say, unlike last winter (which appeared to be Mrs. Spock's barnacle), this one is dragging us down in germ fest after germ fest.

Is it the new 'strains' of things floating around?

Is it because I work in a preschool where kids pick their noses then touch toys and walk away like nothing happened?

Is it because fatigue has reached a new high for me trying to burn multiple candles at both ends?

I have no idea. But I am looking forward to our 10 day break. And I am praying that the new year finds me healthy and restored with all the energy I used to possess and more.

The grant is due Jan. 11th, you know...