So much

There is so much inside these days

Memories of babies
My baby - going to Kindergarten
A new baby, of the canine variety, in our family - who, for some inexplicable reason has an attachement to me, the self-professed non-animal-gene-recipient of the family.

A search for self, through yoga, through the gym, through quiet moments
An attempt to help my 7 year old begin the search for herself - through long talks, deep breathing, more quiet moments, more yoga

Our year begins tomorrow - the first day of school. It's design has been much researched and hard won. Our purpose this year as part school / part homeschoolers is so out of the public school box that it should be scary, but all it is - is - exciting.

And yet, that first day of school gets me every year.

Emma, another year older, 10 years old entering another grade, discovering more amazing things about herself that only time, only the gift of growth would have revealed.

As I watch her sister grow, evolve, and find those things that are all 'her'. The focuses that drive her forward to a love of learning, I am opressed by the next set of unanswerable questions. Although I know their road is cyclical, it is a hard carasel not to ride this time of year.

Rambling on...my mental state...so much. Time will sort it all out - again, for another year, at least.

Tomorrow, I'll glow with memory, pride and love as we walk to school, a Kindergartener in one hand, a second grader in the other, and an angelic force bigger than all of us in my heart.

Walk with us Emma. I'll feel you.

The Great Divide

Wow.

It sure has been a long while since I've been here. I'm not sure exactly when my world imploded but it was just about the time when Share Southern Vermont exploded, grew - that is, into a real deal charity needing a full time leader.

Changes, they are a coming. Heck, who am I kidding, you would be startled to hear the bulleted list of things that have happened since I went silent. But that can wait.

About a week ago the air quality began to change. My heart began to hurt. My movements became slower. The world appeared tinged by an invisible outline. And I knew it, my grief season had begun.

It has been a loooong week.

And then, I got this email today from Once A Mother. "I just wanted you to know that I referenced an amazing post you wrote last year about grief season. It impacted me greatly when I read it last year, and has always stayed with me. I thought others should read it too."

The universe always knows. Just when I thought it was my job to walk this years haze alone, you, this group I have been disconnected from for so long, reached out.

It's nice to know there is always a home to come back to. A 'you' that gets-it, forever. Thanks. I'm going back to read my own post and see if it brings me a little peace, just a little would be nice.

10 years.

Wow