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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Wednesday, September 3, 2008

5 Days And Counting

Again- a sleepless night. By 3:30am, I was pestering my mind with such arguments as "Look - I have a really long day ahead of me! I have to pack two kids for an overnight, not to mention pack J. and I for our trip to Boston. Oh- and it would be really nice if I could stay awake for the evening seminar we are attending!" Nothing worked.

So, I turned to meditation. This is a relatively new habit for me. About six months but I don't tend to do it in the wee hours of the morning. Maybe I should because as I sit here typing at 6am I feel settled and comfortable in my body and my mind. Also- as I sat in darkness only focusing on breathing in and breathing out my mind calmed enough for me to see through the foggy chatter and recall the reason I am waking at 3:30 am lately. As a solitary tear slid down my cheek, still deep in meditation, I said to myself "of course, Emma was born at 3:30am". So obvious, isn't it?

My first child who demands nothing of me. She doesn't come thumping down the stairs with elephant feet and say "where's my breakfast?" or wake me in the middle of the night with bad dreams for a "huggie and kissie", but once a year she does need me or is it that I need her? I guess, if I'm being honest, its both. Once a year, in the week surrounding her birthday she comes to me during "our time". 3:30 am -9am. That was the time we sat together, swaddled and snuggled in a hospital bed while I told her all she needed to know about her earthly life she attended to so briefly.

The sun came up behind me this morning. I could feel it through the window as I was still in a semi-trance like state and it felt like a gentle hug from the daughter who requires so little but gives so much.

Thank you Emma Grace for your constant attention and occasional nudges to share some quality mother / daughter time.

May you feel the hugs and kisses of your heavenly angel surrounding you with the calm of an integrated soul.

A similar soul,


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