Welcome Mothers, Fathers, Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Friends and anyone else who needs an ear...Please come with an open heart.

This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

Please cry if you need to.
Please connect with others who are in your same space.
Please email me if you feel led to
Please comment so we know what you need
Please tell your story

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Show and Tell: Demo and It's About Time!!

I have mentioned before that I live in an old house, a very old house, an 1800's farmhouse to be exact.

We love it. We fell in love with it the minute we did our first walkthrough. This love may have blindsighted us to the degree the current owners lied through their slightly-crooked teeth
about how much work had been done to the place.

We've re-wired the whole place. And that's why my husband nearly got electricuted when the knob and tube in the kitchen was still live...

Oh, the septic tank? It's been pumped every two years, and the most recent pump was just last year... Really? Is that why the guy from the septic place said it was full to bursting and we just nearly avoided it bursting cause it hadn't been done in at least 4 years?

Oh yes, we gutted every room, took out the plaster and lathes, added sheetrock and insulation -- *ahem* -- except the kitchen.

Ok, they told the truth about the kitchen. But they had to, with it's obvious plaster sticking out behind older-than-dirt wallpaper and the stunning hot-pink, plywood kitchen cabinets!

Anyway, over the course of the 8+ years we have lived here we have done little to the interior. Painted some rooms as rainbow babies arrived. And, yes, contracter Jer has actually re-done the kitchen, making his own cherry cabinets and an exposed beam ceiling I could still lie down and stare up at for hours.

And so recently we began a conversation we've had about a million times. "You know, for being such a big house it really only has three bedrooms" he said. "Yeah" I responded, "and I really miss my guest room. The girls need a playroom. *sigh* I know we've proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that they cannot sleep together, but - seriously -..."

And together we finished, for we have said it to the point of naseum, "girls that size do not need bedrooms that big!"

Oddly, the conversation we've had a million times resulted in a different ending. "Well" my amazing husband said standing in the upstairs bathroom staring at the jaccuzi tub that doesn't actually work, "if I eliminated that wall and put a door here I could put a wall here, then here, and...."

You get the point. He has vision like that. I just nodded and smiled because I don't, and, even though the conversation had never progressed to this point, I still thought it was all musing and possibilities.

Until the day I came home to, this:

It seemed our 'project' had begun.

"This is a perfect size bedroom for a little girl, don't you think?" he asked me. And, yes, it looked lovely from this side of the camera. Check out the 180 degree shot!

Bear even got in on the action! She loved demo and was quite good at it.

She really loved throwing all the lathes out Comedian's bedroom window! Oh -- and in case you didn't catch on. Do you see any inulation? Sheetrock? Um, no -- really? Grrrr.... can you say, can.of.worms?

I won't even tell you about the mess the pluming is in. Liar Liar, pants on fire....that's all I have to say.
Even still, the ever growing project seems to make my family happy. I, for one, have never been happier to live within the realm of chaos. It means change is coming! Bear loves beating on things with a hammer. And Comedian, well -- just look at her and her daddy!

Current Status: The bathroom is in the hallway.

A new wall is under construction...

Comedian sleeps nightly in a 'room with a view' - if you will... (the other side of the room - to the right- is the nice, homey shot from the beginning of this post!)

And, the jacuzzi tub still sits on the front porch. Does that make us the owners of a 'redneck yard' I wonder?

Stay tuned, this project is sure to get more interesting or frustrating or expensive, or -- all of the above! But, one thing is for sure it will result in: 2 appropriately sized bedrooms for small girls and a playroom / guest room for playing and visiting!

Ahhhhhh.....progress. Nice yes? Dont' forget tos check out what everyone else is showing and telling.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Happy Birthday Share Southern Vermont!

Hard to believe, but today is Share Southern Vermont's first birthday!!!

For my gooey, heartfelt post about the meaning of this day at SSV's blog CLICK HERE.

Oh, and if you feel like adding to the mush I am today, go ahead and leave a birthday wish for us.

Amazing, this all started with a post (Hmmm, I'd like to start some kind of support group) and a comment, (Well, have you ever heard of Share?)

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Is a very cute book about a train conductor concerned his little engine will never survive the track with three big animals on it.

It is also a euphamism for my current mindset. Read on, and you will see why!

I am still sick. It stinks, as there is so very much I was supposed to have done / still have to do for Share by the end of the year.

It used to seem far away. Now it looms. And, so does my cough of nearly two weeks. It led me to the doctor today saying inane things like, "But I don't really feel sick-sick; I just can't stop coughing, you know?"

He raised his eyebrows at me. It was a bit daunting as he was wearing a mask and all I could see were his eyes.

One nebulizer treatment later I am now the proud owner of my very first inhaler, ever. No, I don't have asthma, but apparently whatever cold virus got a hold of me grasped tightly to my lungs (literally) and my future for the next week is measure in puffs: 2 every four hours, with kick-a$$ cough/codine medicine as a chaser so I finally get some sleep in my own bed, not sitting straight up on the couch.

Comedian doesn't sound much better. Her appt is tomorrow afternoon.

*big sigh* cough-cough -cough-cough (Note to self: deep breaths induce coughing fits...don't do it!)

I have to say, unlike last winter (which appeared to be Mrs. Spock's barnacle), this one is dragging us down in germ fest after germ fest.

Is it the new 'strains' of things floating around?

Is it because I work in a preschool where kids pick their noses then touch toys and walk away like nothing happened?

Is it because fatigue has reached a new high for me trying to burn multiple candles at both ends?

I have no idea. But I am looking forward to our 10 day break. And I am praying that the new year finds me healthy and restored with all the energy I used to possess and more.

The grant is due Jan. 11th, you know...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Stepping Back - And Not Feeling Guilty About It!

I am not supposed to be here right now. We were suppoed to be at church early today. I was supposed to fill in for the church pageant director and lead the rehearsal. I was supposed to bring a quiche for the after church luncheon. We were supposed to stay and decorate the tree, while the kids all received small gifts.

We are not there.

The flurry of phone calls it took to un-clutter our morning wasn't fun. Making executive decisions never is, but it was necessary.

Comedian isn't well enough to be there. She needs to rest, to get fully better from the hacking cough and faucet of a nose she's lived with this week as we dragged her from one 'must attend' event to another, and yet another.

Bear isn't quite that under the weather, but has that peaky look around her eyes. A sign of fatigue that even I can't miss while she says, "I'm fine! I can go to everything!"

I was quite sick mid week, berating myself for staying home from school, even while I was shivering under the covers and my fever steadily climbed over the 102 mark.

And, to complete the family experience Jer was up all night, most of it spent in the bathroom, and looks like a paler, droopier version of a man today curled up on the couch unable to move.

So, I decided to cancel our morning, letting go of whatever the fallout is on the world. Truly, I don't think we can matter quite that much. The girls are snuggled under layers of covers watching the classic Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, and I felt great joy catching up on some blogs that were long overdue.

A lesson is to be learned here. I can say it out loud, as I did to my mother, "If it is a lack luster pageant next weekend it won't be the first, and probably won't be the last".

My family comes first. Their health is more important. Yes, Bear is Mary, mother of Jesus in the show. Oh well, he'll have to get by with Joseph for the day. Sure, I made a quiche for the lunch. Aw heck, guess I'll have to have a slice or two.

I think my husband put it best. "It just shows you that all the things we think are important really aren't. We have a good life without all the drama. It's that simple."

Hope your day is calm and bright and not filled with overwhelming drama!

Sunday, December 6, 2009


Just because my life isn't 'blogseccible' (blog accesible - made up a new word, that's how crazy busy I am!), I still want to exchange holiday cards with those of you that mean the world to me.
Ha! The world. And, you span the world.

I'm cracking myself up.

With bad jokes.

That happens when I'm overtired and stressed.

Anyhoo, the most amazing thing happened. We went to the post office yesterday and got two festive cards! I suppost, that in-an-of-itself isn't amazing, but they were our first two of the year and from bloggy friends!!!

Oh you guys and your holiday spirit! Love you so much Mrs. Spock and A Mending Heart! (sorry no energy to link but search them out - you won't be dissapointed)

Soooo, if you want to trade super cute mugs this year (yes - faces, and yes - another bad pun) then email me! We've got a GREAT card, featuring our two living angels together in one picture and their real names if you don't already know them.


I'm rambling. I'm stressed and overtired. I have two formal presentations and a grant to write. Tomorrow is a school day. I'm going to bed in 30 minutes. And, I want to do a card exchange. E-mail. Me.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Show and Tell: Pumpkin Pie in a Jar

Remember these? Yeah. Part of the super, duper fall harvest.

Well, they sat, and sat, and sat for a bit more until Halloween had well passed and if we didn't do something soon, so would they.

"We can't let them rot" Jer said, a little manic, I worked hard growing all those.

"Yeah" I quipped, "You successfully grew a kabillion tons of something you don't even like the taste of!"

"Well" he retorted, for all yet to be retorts have to start with 'well', "I suppose it doesn't can very well..."

I felt a little be sad for him. He did put a lot of energy into those gorgeous pumpkins. So, I caved. I called his mother, otherwise known as the queen of everything canned.

"Oh sure" she said in her 'we are farmers and anything can be done' voice, "it takes a little while but it can be done and it's pretty good."

When I relayed this news to him - another Jeremiah inspiration hit.

Ok, it's slightly more labor intensive than my clever byline, but not much. The pumpkin is cooked and spiced. All you do is mix 4 eggs, 18 oz evaporated milk and 1 cup of sugar together. Dump in your pumpkin, stir and split between two pie crusts.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention - one jar makes two pies.

Cool huh?

But, just in case you were wondering, my mother in law's nonchallance turned out to be the understatment of the year to the tune of a couple early morning nights waiting for the pressure canner to de-compress.

Still - the pies are yummy!

Any post-thanksgiving food revelations for you? What's everyone else showing and telling?

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Time Is Both My Best Ally and My Worst Enemy: My Meltdown 8 Years Later