"Oh, wow, filling out this paperwork is sooooooo easy in comparison to Bear's!"
"Wait! You know better than to compare children. They are different and that is all there is too it."
Right, I know that conciously, but even so I was thrown back to my early post-delivery thoughts. I was reminded of the years I spent wondering about who Emma "would have been". Asking myself all kinds of unanswerable questions like, "Would she have been outdoorsy or an indoor kid?", "Would she have loved sweets or not?", "Would she have been cuddly or independent?" "Was she blessed with a talent? Art? Sports? Dance?" Remembering, just for a moment, looking back to see how I used to torture myself, how each question would induce another set of racking sobs, I sadly smiled.
My wonderings have evolved, just like my grieving, so they are still there - in the distance, living in an alternate world that represents impossible dreams. Yes - they are still wisps of wonder, but it appears I have finally accepted, truly reconciled, that I will never know any of these answers. This is simultaneously sad and hopeful. It is sad because it makes me feel like I am letting go, but then hope takes over and I see so many of Emma's purposes here on earth. I know her spirit isn't dormant, it is very busy and this turns my focus to the future. What miracles will she do next year or the year after? How will she continue to lead this family in her heavenly way?
That said, I remember the hell of the first few years. I remember the circular thinking (What if - I wonder, If... Then) that put me in such a tailspin I couldn't even walk stright through the room. I remember being sure there could never be, never ever be, any cognitive or spiritual "reason" for her leaving. Where are you in this process?
- Are you in the beginning where you would without hesitation join your baby if you could, just to see one of your phantom answers?
- Have you accepted that she your little one is gone, but can't let go of your questions, thinking that somehow, someday, a way might just present itself to quell you?
- Do you relive the days before you lost your baby, changing key moments and getting so far lost in the charade that you believe you can change the outcome?
I know - I have done all this and more. I have evaporated so far from the "real" world to my creation, which was far better than facing reality. And now, this nubmer, eight, eight years later, why does this number resonate? I don't know, but I don't really need to know. All I need is to recognize that my current reality is exactly what it is supposed to be.
So is yours! Wherever you are today, is where you start. Whereever you are tomorrow, even if its a step back, is where you continue. Check in with yourself in few weeks and try to see, objectively, that you have - just by attending to your emotions, taken more steps forward, than back.
A common soul,