All Consuming

That is what life as the director of a non -profit organization seems to be.

There is always something to so. There is always an event to be planned. There is always red tape to walk like a tightrope as I prepare the presentation packets for the select board I have to speak in front of on Wednesday night...

Oh, sorry, yet another to-do list crept up on me.

We have a wonderful board of directors, each taking on responsibilities to share the load. Even so, turning to you made sense.

A new post is up at SSV. If you are good with wood or thread, please click over.

If you feel led to help us, please let me know.

You are all such good friends, how could I not ask you?

It's Time To Celebrate...

Not just because Kristin and Christa have unveiled their newest cross-stich design. (Cuppa-Joe Designs ROCK!) Although that IS something to celebrate: their hearts mission, the SHARE National Office's cooperation and the gorgeous designs people have FREE access to show what can happen when we support each other!

SHARE Southern Vermont has a long-time-coming / brief annoucement too. CLICK OVER to cheer with us!

And, while you are at it, take a moment to pat yourself on the back. You know why.

So......what should our first tax free purchase be???

Connections...Are you an artist??

This forum is the foundation for connections of all kinds.

In this space I spoke of Share.

Sara emailed me and connected me to Charlotte's Mama.

She was a wealth of information and connceted me to this group.

Through the group I found the hood-spa to start our own group and in the process met the very talented Birdie's Mama and put her sweet girl on The Wall of Angels.

Last week I received this email from her.

"Charlotte's Mama and myself are going to be working on a book, a book that will be for the young siblings of babylost parents, a book that talks about the baby who is not there but is talked about and cherished.

However, we are looking for an illustrator, and I would like to find either a babylost Mama or Papa to be that person. If you can, would you mind putting the word out to your SHARE group, or by another means of getting the word out?

I have not had any luck in my calls for such an illustrator, and it seems so important to have the whole book be made by babylost parents."

A book like this is so needed. PLEASE...contact her if you feel like your talent might match their vision.

I'm Leavin' On A Jet Plane...

Oh no - that's in May. But I am going to be missing for a couple days...

If you want to know why, and just how far I will go (both mentally and physically and at 25 mph) for a mission I believe in, put on your hats, mittens, neckwarmers, and gather your ice scrapers, extra food and a flashlight - then CLICK HERE.

(please comment with best wishes and validation of my pure insanity!)

PS - Mom, I love you. You KNOW I'm employing a great measure of sarcasm here, right?...so try not to worry, too much. I promise I'll call - PROMISE!

Show And Tell - Holy Cannoli!

That's what I fell out of my mouth as I opened the Rutland Herald this morning to the "magazine section".

The staff writer had called me to shore up a couple quotes the other day, so I knew it was going to be in the Sunday edition, but I wasn't ready for THIS!

I have to admit, after writing my own article for the smaller local papers about Share Southern Vermont, I was concerned that someone else was writing about me and our group. With the wisdom that only grief gives us I banished the "what-ifs" and dove into the article.

It is wonderfully written. I am like a new mother today who just delivered a screaming healthy baby -- Today, I truly believe that our outreach is real. And in 10 days the sad proof will be sitting with me in a conference room sharing our stories.

A few thank you's:

• Thank you Sara for bringing my attention to Share and reminding me that I don't always have to re-invent the wheel.



• Thank you Dora for supporting me in this endeavor in so many ways, most recently with the hat-raffle.
  


• Thank you Kristin - you know why.
  


• Thank you Mel for micro-managing the blogosphere so well that we are all listed in one place. (and for enduring all my book related questions)
  


• Thank you to ALL who have donated, both here in my real-life world and from blogland. You mean so very much to me.**
  


• Thank you Carol for taking the better part of an evening to answer my endless questions about start up! And thank you for the amazing work you do in Northhampton. (I'm not done with my questions...just saving them up for my visit!)
  


• And, there is no way to thank Martha enough. She connected to this mission from 3000 miles away. She became my "West Coast Publicist". She is the one who emailed the Rutland Herald. Thank you Martha! Without you this article would never have happened.

PS - I ALREADY got a call from a sketch artist / wood burning artist who is willing to volunteer his services to personalize the boxes for each family!

** A brief explanation. Although I tried my best to convey to Josh (the writer) the mutually exclusive relationship between my face-to-face outreach and the emotional family we have in the computer, I don't think he really got it. How could he, really? It is the only part of the article that I cringed at.

** Oh - and he missed a word in the book title: After Emma: One Mother's Journey of Self-Discovery Through Grieving The Loss Of Her Baby.

Wanna Save The World?

I did - at 14 years old.

The commerical ran all the time. "Give to the Christian Children's Fund. It only costs .60 cents a day to sponser a child- less than the cost of a cup of coffee." A train rambled across tracks bringing with it the 800 number to call. Pictures of gorgeous but pitiful looking children flashed on the screen, one after the other. Sixty sents a day? I have that and I don't even drink coffee.

My parents said no, I couldn't save the world - not yet.

My euphoria became devestation in an instant. I cried for days - sure a child would die because of me.

-----
I seem to have two writing moods lately.

Introspective and Serene... you know - like the way your body feels calm and flowing after a good meditation or yoga class. The way your heart feels settled with an epiphany that sidled up and startled you with its clarity. The, I-have-made-some-kind-of-peace-with-the-cards-I've-been-dealt and the words just flow onto the page, kind of mood.

OR

Sarcastic and Angry ...you know - the return of questions that I know can't be answered and the overwhelming injustice that babies die in the first place - kind of anger mixed with a sarcastic tone representive in phantom posts that only exist in my mind.

I truly thought I was done with the anger. It has blind-sighted me. I think it might be because I read about my friends losing baby after baby. I read about triplets that die, not all together, but one at a time - days apart - so their poor parents have to live the torture in triplet too. I see a picture of a sweet girl that swallowed a tiny button-battery by accident and lays in the ICU. I hear of countless IUI's and IVF's - and more specifically suffer with you during a two week wait - only to feel your devestation ooze through the screen as a teenager down the road cries into a tissue at her guidance counselor's desk.

See? These are the bitter, angry, frustrated thoughts and emotions that flow through me, well - some of the time anyway. The issue is that when the pendulum swings it rockets back to the "all -is-right -with-the-world, guardian angels and blessings and kum-buy-ah-ness" mindset.

It is exhausting. I feel like an over-used tennis ball in a VERY long match.

But, here's the thing. Even the not so lovely emotions feel right. This road I'm on, even when I trip headfirst into a human sized pothole, is definately the road I'm meant to be on. I seem to be living my emotions vicariously through all of you -and sometimes that is ok - a reminder of what the world is facing and varied perspectives attached to the experiences.

But, I have to be careful not to lose myself. Yes - I'm a creature in constant emotional evolution. I don't want to lose that. In the past, this hasn't mattered so much to me. I was. I grew and changed. Then, I was again - but different. That was all about ME. My world has shifted on its axle and it is very much about YOU now (the collective you that is). I guess I'm a human cocktail - but I haven't determined my perfect mixing ratio. 4 parts me and 2 parts you? 3 parts the world and 3 parts instinct? Ah - hell, just pour me over some rocks and drink me straight.

Starting next month, I will be surrounded by a group of grieving women, each with their own story to share, each on their own intimate and personalized journey, and my job will be to support THEM - to take on their pain, let it wash through me and leave it on the conference room floor. I'm not sure I can. I've never been one to leave the world's troubles behind...they just follow me home and sit in the corner waiting for me to attend to them - or, at the very least, insert them into one of my real life issues creating a melodramatic effect.

So - here is my intention. To listen, to lead, and to cry with these women. To support, to guide towards appropriate resources, to hug and smile. And then, to come home and peek in on two sleeping girls who fill my life with reasons not to hold onto other people's anger, sadness, and heartbreaking indignation.

I'll let you know how that goes. I have always wanted to save the world after all.

What's In A Number?

Eight was the number for me. Eight years into grieving - Emma's eighth birthday on September 8th or 2008, no less.

Something about that infinity shaped digit put a fire under me to act - and now big things are happening.

Share Southern Vermont is real - with offical paperwork- So much so, that I have an invoice to pay for start up fees! I've never been so excited about a bill in my life. It affirms our group!

-The bank account is up and running.

-The article I wrote is coming out in the local papers today, along with a photo of the memory box.

-And, my interview for the newspaper with a larger readership is slated for Thursday.

With this evolution of our idea happening so quickly, I paused to ask myself... Cara, what made Emma's 8th birthday such a turning point? Why did this year speak to you, when others haven't?

Certainly, I don't have answers. I wish I did. I wish I could send each of you grieving and broken mothers a letter on fancy letterhead in cheerful writing that said, "I know this sucks. I know your insides are broken and eating you up with an overwhelming sadness - but 8 years is the mark. Make it there and your smile will turn upside down."

I can't. In fact, my upside down smile isn't really up - it's more angled. Most of the time lately, I host a smirk. It's not snarky, as Nancy would say. But, aware. Aware of the work that Emma is doing. Alert to her presence here, in this house and within me.

I hoarded her for all these years, afraid that if I disengaged for too long or shared her with others, my daughter would somehow become -less mine. My experience, would somehow - become diminished.

I allowed my emotions to mislead me. And somewhere, on that road to eight, the world finally appeared, opened before me saying, "Welcome, to you and Emma. You can keep her with you as you walk forward. You can share her with others as you trudge on in this life. She will never die as you are alive and doing work in her memory."

I am enternally grateful to those who make this possible. Thank you for allowing Emma to work here, to touch lives. I know this will not always be my exlusive mission in life. But for this year, her year - Sept 08-09 - I am devoted to creating opportunities where there were none.

My darling girl - I love you with all my heart. Thank you for speaking so loudly, that even I - couldn't miss it.

EIN = BANK ACCOUNT = UP AND RUNNING!

Have you seen Swordfish? Good movie. Do you remember the last bank scene when Halle Berre walks into the bank victorious? Looking very sheik? And transferrs some nine billion dollars in equal incraments to a number of accounts?

Well, I look nothing like Halle Berre, but I will be strutting into a bank this afternoon to transfer 9 Billion Dollars, um - I mean... open a bank account with the name, Share Southern Vermont, on the checks!

So, it appears the internet is good for more than just checking email, blogging, shopping and uploading cute pics to Sn.ap.fish to keep my scrapbooking addiction alive.

Last night I went the IRS website. (da-da-da-da) And...In a matter of minutes, I had applied online and been granted an EIN. (Employer Identification Number) for our Share Southern Vermont Group. Ok , I don't truly understand why I need it if we won't be having any paid employees..including me, but the bank said it was necessary because I want people to write donation checks to Share, not to me.

So, a few clicks and... wha-laa! We have an EIN. As of this afternnon SSV will have a bank account. And, those of you who sent checks weeks ago will finally be able to balance your checkbooks! Best of all! When the newspaper article comes out, the final line can say something like, "If you wish to donate to this worthy cause, perhaps in memory of a child or in support of a grieving parent, please send a check made out to Share Southern Vermont to ....x address".

Nifty, huh?

What is that they say? Ah yes...this is all coming together. Or, was it - This is going exactly to plan? No, better not say that for the best laid plans and all.

Thanks to all of you who have helped keep the momentum going for this start up effort. The New Year is going to bring much support for hurting parents in our area!

Share Update

The phone rang yesterday. The caller ID showed what appeared to be an out of state number. Telemarketer, I thought.

Sometimes life surprises you, doesn't it?

Beep...
"Hi. My name is ...and I am a reporter for the Rutland Herald. We were contacted by Martha about your plan to start a Share group for families who have suffered the loss of a child. I am writing an article for the paper and would like to speak to you to find out more details. Please call me back at....."

I stared at the machine. I didn't pick up, just listened to him speak of our group in such final terms. That was my faith moment. This IS going to happen! NO. This is happening!

I'll spare you the details and the fifty thousand things that instantly appeared on my to-do list. Here are the pertinant facts:

• I have an interview scheduled for next week.
  
• He is bringing a staff photographer


• I have much prep to do

Oh - and here is the finished prototype of the updated Memory Box. Imagine your baby's picture in that glass frame. Envision being given this to take home and fill with treasures of your child, forever. That is our goal.
If you are able to Share the love, via comment, email, a donation, or just a prayer for all those who are hurting right now, please do.

You can email me at carajer@tds.net for any reason or to request a mailing address.

PS _ THANK YOU MARTHA FOR YOUR DEDICATION TO A CAUSE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY. FROM THE EAST COAST TO THE WEST, LETS SPREAD THE MESSAGE!

Show and Tell - An Act of Faith

Faith, hope and love - three beautiful emotions and a great song by Point of Grace!

I have faith our fundraising goal will be met by Christmas!
I have great hope that our Share chapter will be up and running and serving many hurting hearts early in the new year.
I have love for so many who support my process:

• Carol, the Share co-ordinator from Northhampton who took 90 mintues out of her busy life to talk to me and answer all my questions.
  
• Martha, my West Coast Publicist (he-he), who felt led to call all the local newspapers in my area and annouce my mission and further request they cover the story. She's also full of great fundraising ideas!


• Jane, who I met yesterday (IRL) for a book related meeting, but turns out to be an art therapist and wants to volunteer her time to work with the families, yes kids too, who are in our group.
  
• My husband, for all his talent and time creating the memory boxes.


• All who have donated so this dream can become a reality.

And, of course, love for my Emma Grace for working so boldly in this word and moving me to act.

So for Show and Tell I share that ... I took a leap of faith.
I filled out the application. It will be in the mail tomorrow morning.

If you are here from ILCW or new to the blog and have no idea of what I speak - and would like to, there is red text with a link to the original post on my side bar.


Now, full of faith, hope and love...click back over to see what the rest of the class is showing! And yes - Mel, just in case your grading this week: the application was two pages, my essay answers were seven!

Memory Making- Then and Now

I love scrapbooking. I revel in the feeling of taking bits and pieces from our lives and putting them together to tell a story - OUR story! A few years ago, I became a Cr.eat.ive Me.mori.es consultant. It was my job to "teach" scrapbooking. For me, that read, "It is your job to INSPIRE others" to do a number of things:

1. To get their 2,000 pictures out from under the bed.
2. To start with their most recent photos, so the stories came easily
3. But, most importantly, I was responsible for helping others create life long memories.

The one thing I NEVER loved was taking their money. Obviously I paid money for the product and had to make it back, but I found myself donating products to silent auctions, creating scrapbooks for wakes and funerals, and saying, "just take it" more than a successful business woman really should. I would watch my upline drive all over New -England to further her mission and was struck. She had a consistant income as a result of her efforts and those of us below her. She could have sat back, picked up the remote and channel surfed as we were out teaching parties. But she didn't. She continued working hard to grow, harder, I think, than when I first met her.

I feel in a very similar space right now. Once again I feel like I am being called to be with others, grieve with new parents, and inspire them to take their first step on their healing road. And - Once again, I feel a nagging ache in my gut that I had to ask for donations to do it. I am going to leave the ticker up, for now, but am actively looking for alternatives.

As a way to keep myself accountable - to you - the people who cheer me on with love, prayers , suggesstions, and dollars, here is my current to-do list:

• Make contact with the leader of the Northhampton Share group.
• Write a state grant to cover some start up expenses and travel costs assoicated with going to the convention in March
• Search the internet for any wealthy benefactors who are looking to support family's after the death of a child
• Extend offers to speak to local woman's groups
• Send Infomational flyers to local home care and hospices
• Contact the head nurse at the childbirth center and be sure she is still planning on handing out my card to families
• Finish the Memory Box Prototype and gather mateials. We are planning on donating the boxes regardless. Families deserve it.

Thanks again to all of you (and Kristin I'm still intruiged!) . I just wanted to let you know I have not given up. I will be working hard to make this happen.

Show and Tell - or in other words - Sharing and Caring!

For this week's Show and Tell I feel like I am really IN class as I present to you the proposal I've blogged about working on for the last two weeks! But, Mel...before you start handing out grades, please give partial credit to Martha , Klakly , Sara, and Nathansma

for their awesome contributions, guest editors spots, and an extra point or two on their show and tell to the many who sent words of encouragment!

Well, let's back up. It's actually more like an un-assigned book report that became an obesssion. (yeah - I used to do them and yes I am also well aware I was a NERD!) But my nerdy ways have come in handy lately. And I am in NO WAY insinuating that the rest of my contributers were nerds!

As I stated in this post my inquisitory meeting with the head nurse at the childbirth center evolved into a self-driven mission to begin a southern vermont Share group at our little hospital. The mission became a little big for me, so in this other post I enlisted the rest of you, our insanely strong heart-army of dead baby moms, to send me your ideas and suggestions for the proposal. (BTW - IF YOU STILL WANT TO SEND THEM PLEASE DO AND PLEASE JUST EMAIL THEM TO carajer@tds.net CAUSE SOME STUPID PASSPROTECT THIS KEEPS POPPING UP AND I DON'T KNOW WHY OR HOW TO GET RID OF IT...IF YOU DO - EMAIL TOO OK?)


So, my Show and Tell for the week is ....with much fanfare...the cumulative 30 pages of research, personal ideas and heartwrenching moments put together by US! A huge thank you to all of you for opening the doors to the past and your bravery in submitting so other mothers may suffer just an ounce less!

The cover page reads...

Building Heavenly Bridges

Infant Loss and Bereavement

Support and Outreach

Proposal Prepared for Springfield Hospital

And the mission page reads...

Mission:

To enhance the support of bereaved families of the Springfield Hospital community after the death of a child by providing comprehensive and compassionate care with patients and families through support, education, and outreach as a new Share affiliated group. For this proposal “child” is defined as a miscarriage regardless of weekly gestational development, a stillbirth (20 – 40 weeks) or an infant death up to 12 months.

Keep scrolling to see each section and the hospital's last remaining memory box (they have suffered a lot of loss this year - sigh). My husband...yes the gift certificate toting man - is volunteering his time to make 20 more to get them through this year (hopefully - bigger sigh) then will draw up his plans, for in all liklihood he will design his own style, and present it to local wookworking classes along with our mission and they will make them for years to come.

SAMPLE TRI-FOLDS DESIGNATED FOR EARLY-TERM LOSS, MISCARRIAGE, STILLBIRTH DELIVERIES, GRANDPARENTS GRIEF, CHILDREN'S GRIEF AND MORE!

EVERYTHING A HOSPITAL MANAGER WOULD NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE BENEFITS AND COSTS ASSOICATED WITH BECOMING A NEW SHARE GROUP!

WE DID SOME OF THE LEGWORK TO DEMONSTRATE WHICH GRANTS WOULD BE A GOOD MATCH FOR LOCATION AND WHEN THEY ALLOCATE.

THE BULK OF THE PROPOSAL TEXT: 16 PAGES DETAILING THE CHANGES AND ADDITIONS WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE LOSS PROTOCOL.

THE LAST REMAINING MEMORY BOX (NOT FOR LONG!)

Don't be surprised if you see a virtual donation box someday for the Southern Vermont Share Group! I am committed to making this happen!