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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Saturday, September 4, 2010

Gentle Reminders

A post about Emma's unwaivering presence in my life this time of year.

I work mornings this year. I homeschool our 2nd grader in the afternoons. The goal is a calm, supportive environment to explore the 'other' parts of learning that seem not to happen at school: the social /emotional education all young kids need.

Hence, it would behoove me to arrive calm, prepared and ready to dish out lots of love even as we are learning.

The issue? I have 30 minutes to drive what is really a 4o-45 minute commute to pick her up on time. And, inevitably, I get behind a big truck or a sight seer or someone who thinks that 5 miles below the speed limit is lovely speed.

The result? I get frustrated, very frustrated. And, try as I might to stay calm (seriously, I have a mantra) by the time I am 'so close but so far away' and late, yet again, I am sputtering.

And that is when Emma's song comes on the radio. A gentle reminder of what really matters. A 'take a deep breath mom - minutes don't change your experience unless you let them' reminder that I really need.

Sometimes I wonder (and you won't get this if you don't have an angel of your own) if I'm not just the tiniest bit lucky to have her where she is. Don't get me wrong, like all of you, I'd give anything to rewind the clock and have her here, from the beginning, but if this is how it has to be then how astounding that she is always there for me.

How humbled I feel to know that her focus, her priority, is me.

That there is always a song to pick me up when I lose perspective and a red leaf on a burning bush to say I love you.

Emma - I've got to say I hope you've got something else ready to permeate this sadness I feel this year. Your birthday is Wednesday and try as I might to plan a day that feels right, I just keep feeling like I'm getting it wrong.


Kristin said...

Abiding with you as her birthday approaches.

I think it is wonderful how open you are to the messages she sends.

Alissa said...

I am agreement in you about the wonderful feeling it gives me to have my very own little angel. I do know that Kennedy is always watching over me and sending me messages that she is okay and that I will be okay. I do feel blessed knowing this...and in some ways a tad bit egotistical knowing that not everyone has an angel like mine. ((hugs to you as Emma's birthday approaches))

Hope's Mama said...

Been thinking of you and Emma so much.

Dora said...

Thinking of you. IMO, there is no "right" or "wrong" plan for tomorrow. She's always with you. Whatever you do to either honor her birthday or just survive the day is fine. Emma is so much more than this one day. Big hug.

h2omndz said...

Every loss leaves a space that only God can fill. Just let it all to Him.

h2omndz said...

Every loss leaves a space that only God can fill. Just leave it all to Him... i mean..

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Aurora Flores said...

Our little Angel's are just amazing. They are always with us. Always.

Peach said...

Thank you for your blog. Unless you tell me otherwise I will link to it from one of mine.

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