life seems to get a tad bit more overwhelming, not in a bad way, just a try to get everything done and still have a sane smile at the end of the day, way.
Thanks to all of you for your insightful responses to my last post. I am certainly feeling more at peace about my decision and blessed that another member of our board can attend. It is time to give up certain contols and let the crew man the ship a bit. Not an easy task for a person like me, but necessary when, as I just told a friend, "the thing you built is growing faster than you ever imagined."
An issue for a self-proclaimed control freak like me.
I have posts that are extremely important to me brewing, about the lighting cermony, about my big-daddy benefactor of sorts showing up, about love and life and seeing a side of my little girl I never thought I would.
I have catching up to do within your lives. I have babies to welcome. Anniversaries to belatedly acknowledge, hoping the mommy and daddy know I was thinking of them on their day. And sad moments to support.
Even as the chicken sautees, the pumpkins sit half-carved, the UPS man approaches the door, the Bowling for Babies flyer is 3/4 done, the eggs boil, the dough for our cinnamon buns rises, and my 332 pictures beg to be uploaded and ordered from Sn.ap.fi.sh my mind flies to all of you and the words spin through my head.
I have come to the unsatisfactory, yet realistic conclusion that I am at a blogging crossroads. I blog for me, and for you, but primarily to keep my senses sharp, my words in tune, and my emotions processing about the loss of our little girl. In just over a year I have nearly hit 300 posts. Writing daily was cathartic. It was my outlet. It allowed me to cultivate the relationships I now find myself missing daily.
Even so, at this time one or two posts a week is all I will be able to create until the new year. Until all the fundraisers are done, numbers added, and Share Southern Vermont's first tax return filed. I have to be ok with this down shift. I have to use it as a learning experience in the world of blogging. I imagine they all have their ebbs and flows. Just know that the ebb frustrates me as much as my lack of commenting might irk you.
Catch you on the fly...
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
“Who’s Who”
Do you know that publication? A quick google search reveals multiple cataegories you may fall into: Who's Who in the USA, amoung students, online, professionals? Being sited in one of these books is considered, "one of the most prestigious awards the (fill in the blank) community can bestow".
Long ago, my name appeared in one of the student publications. I cannot find the book. I cannot remember the actual category I fell into. I cannot recall if it was my high school performace or my college accolades that earned me such a "prestigious honor". Equally, I cannot recall feeling honored at all, seeing as my father had to cut a rather large check to the publisher so we could own one of these well-bound books that just so happened to have my name somewhere within its hundreds of pages.
Who would ever see me there? Why would it ever matter? How did this wheat from the chaff approach to academics futher anybody's journey through life? It didn't, not for me anyhow.
And yet, segregation within circles is what communities do. We all have our labels, or defining titles that place us within other’s minds. The teacher, the preacher, the mother, the activist, the rebel, the writer, the peace keeper, the quiet one; and then there’s the famous…
It’s the latter I’ve been thinking of quite a bit lately, for fame exists in each of these categories.
Is ‘Famous’ is a quantifiable word? In the real world it seems to be, measured by income and notoriety, number of fancy cars, and the square footage of your house, but not really by nobility for I can think of many famed personalities that reached their current status by actions considered 'less than noble'.
Fame is relative. A few well timed articles in local newspapers and neighbors joke, “Jeez – you’re famous!” A spot on the Today Show and your level of notoriety launches to the National level. And, lest us forget the coveted spot on Ms. O’s show, which will inspire or incense the world-at-large to your cause.
So, are there famous bloggers? This is the question I have been grappling with for weeks. Well, of course there are famous bloggers, but most were famous before the conception of their blog, and I would be willing bet that they don’t sit awake at 1am updating their blog because their emotional state is in such turmoil they have to purge the words before they sleep. Their blog is an extension of their pre-existing famous-ness.
So, to communitize this a bit more (are you keeping track of just how many new words I can make up in one post?) – Are there famous bloggers in the ALI community?
And, I suppose the most obvious answer is ‘yes’, as quantified by their following readership, the number of comments receive per post, or the sitemeter silently rotating numbers on their sidebar. And yet, I clearly recall my first impression of the blogging world, six.short.months.ago – as a very user friendly, equal opportunity, bring-any-and-all-emotions-here, community. This is – in fact, one of the founding purposes of the LFCA (Lost Found Connections Abound).
I have written many times, within countless posts, of the base connection I feel to my blogging friends. I have emoted about how I know very little about their real life: cars, houses, bank accounts, etc) but have no doubt that were we to hop a plane and share physical space with each other, the connection would be instant. For I do know, their losses, their struggles, their grief, their triggers, the things that lift them up. In short, I know their heart.
We are all connected. We are all important. All our feelings are valid and matter. And before this post becomes a segway for yet another tangetalized piece of Mel’s weekend,
(Um…btw – Mel, with her given title, “Goddess of Infertility”, and her recent exposé in the metro-times, certainly qualifies as a famous blogger)… I’ll get to the point.
There were three bloggers at my real-life walk this weekend. Because, I consider them famous as mapped out by the above critera and from personal perspective, I will not name or link to them. I will allow them the freedom to blog about their experience if they so choose. But I need to share mine.
Tomorrow's post will be the intensely emotional experience I encountered meeting them in person. My first, second and third meet-and-greet, if you will....
Till then, I leave you with a few questions:
What, in your opinion, is bloggy fame? How do you measure it? And, if you were given the absolute choice to become a famed blogger overnight, would you take it? Why? or Why Not?
Long ago, my name appeared in one of the student publications. I cannot find the book. I cannot remember the actual category I fell into. I cannot recall if it was my high school performace or my college accolades that earned me such a "prestigious honor". Equally, I cannot recall feeling honored at all, seeing as my father had to cut a rather large check to the publisher so we could own one of these well-bound books that just so happened to have my name somewhere within its hundreds of pages.
Who would ever see me there? Why would it ever matter? How did this wheat from the chaff approach to academics futher anybody's journey through life? It didn't, not for me anyhow.
And yet, segregation within circles is what communities do. We all have our labels, or defining titles that place us within other’s minds. The teacher, the preacher, the mother, the activist, the rebel, the writer, the peace keeper, the quiet one; and then there’s the famous…
It’s the latter I’ve been thinking of quite a bit lately, for fame exists in each of these categories.
Is ‘Famous’ is a quantifiable word? In the real world it seems to be, measured by income and notoriety, number of fancy cars, and the square footage of your house, but not really by nobility for I can think of many famed personalities that reached their current status by actions considered 'less than noble'.
Fame is relative. A few well timed articles in local newspapers and neighbors joke, “Jeez – you’re famous!” A spot on the Today Show and your level of notoriety launches to the National level. And, lest us forget the coveted spot on Ms. O’s show, which will inspire or incense the world-at-large to your cause.
So, are there famous bloggers? This is the question I have been grappling with for weeks. Well, of course there are famous bloggers, but most were famous before the conception of their blog, and I would be willing bet that they don’t sit awake at 1am updating their blog because their emotional state is in such turmoil they have to purge the words before they sleep. Their blog is an extension of their pre-existing famous-ness.
So, to communitize this a bit more (are you keeping track of just how many new words I can make up in one post?) – Are there famous bloggers in the ALI community?
And, I suppose the most obvious answer is ‘yes’, as quantified by their following readership, the number of comments receive per post, or the sitemeter silently rotating numbers on their sidebar. And yet, I clearly recall my first impression of the blogging world, six.short.months.ago – as a very user friendly, equal opportunity, bring-any-and-all-emotions-here, community. This is – in fact, one of the founding purposes of the LFCA (Lost Found Connections Abound).
I have written many times, within countless posts, of the base connection I feel to my blogging friends. I have emoted about how I know very little about their real life: cars, houses, bank accounts, etc) but have no doubt that were we to hop a plane and share physical space with each other, the connection would be instant. For I do know, their losses, their struggles, their grief, their triggers, the things that lift them up. In short, I know their heart.
We are all connected. We are all important. All our feelings are valid and matter. And before this post becomes a segway for yet another tangetalized piece of Mel’s weekend,
(Um…btw – Mel, with her given title, “Goddess of Infertility”, and her recent exposé in the metro-times, certainly qualifies as a famous blogger)… I’ll get to the point.
There were three bloggers at my real-life walk this weekend. Because, I consider them famous as mapped out by the above critera and from personal perspective, I will not name or link to them. I will allow them the freedom to blog about their experience if they so choose. But I need to share mine.
Tomorrow's post will be the intensely emotional experience I encountered meeting them in person. My first, second and third meet-and-greet, if you will....
Till then, I leave you with a few questions:
What, in your opinion, is bloggy fame? How do you measure it? And, if you were given the absolute choice to become a famed blogger overnight, would you take it? Why? or Why Not?
Monday, December 29, 2008
My Third World Is Not A Country
"Mom - fairies are real, you know" Bear said to me on a walk this morning. "Hmmm?" I answered. "Oh yes" she continued, "I went to check on my fairy house and all the food is gone. It was sticks and twigs and no-one would want that kind of food unless they were a fairy - so - now I believe."
Heaven and Earth -- The Seen and the Unseen
I talk about them all the time.
I write about them even more consistently.
They permeate my every thought.
I have three daughters: one in heaven, two on earth.
Two Worlds Collide was a working title for my book. A quick google revealed it was also a sci-fi novel and as much as my life experience may feel like science fiction at times, a book on grief and healing with the same name wouldn't really resonate with the literary public.
Regardless, for eight years I have worked to resolve the infinity sized gap between my two worlds. I have searched for earthly objects to represent the spirit form - grasping at their tangibility with my mortal soul, while crying oceans of tears knowing it would take a lifetime - my lifetime - to really narrow that chasm.
Perspective. It all comes down to the way we choose to see the world. This is what I told myself recently.
My two worlds are like a swinging pendulum in constant motion. There are moments, pinpointed seconds in time, when they collide with such force even I, moving in an opposite direction, cannot miss it. Time stops. Peace resides. All is right with both spheres - for a moment, a mere instant - we are a connected family. This I have made peace with. I no longer create questions or make up answers when these miracle moments come. I sit in them. In fact, my longing for them to stretch into forever is most probably what makes them dissapear. I can see them slip away, and feel the struggle return.
This has been my road, my two-laned highway for so long I don't even need to check lanes before passing. But this week, a third lane appeared. It came out of nowhere. It blind-sighted me with such force that I didn't notice in time. I crashed.
On Christmas Eve night I logged in to check my google reader. Ok there's no keeping secrets from you, is there? I logged in to see if Antigone had begun labor yet. And maybe that is why reading of Emilie's death reduced me to a sobbing mess. But if my all-consuming reaction could have been explained away by a diversion of focus, then I should be able to speak of it or even think of her now without tears. I can't.
I cried while asking for prayer at church for her husband, parents and boys.
I cried while writing my previous post regarding her loss.
I cry, now - writing this.
I know Emilie wasn't my third lane, but she represented it. She is the gorgeous spirit who knocked down the divider so I could finally see the world in triplet. Her death revealed how powerful this blogging community is to me. It cleared the fog allowing me to see past a rectangular computer screen and hear more than the clickety-clack of my partially grown nails on the keys. It brought my thirld world into focus - You.
I feel you. I feel the community. Apart from the occasional world tour or a decoration crisis, you have not seen the inside of my house, but you are here. I walk through my days and thoughts of you walk with me- I wonder if Stellan is breathing easier right now. ~ I hope Hope's Mama's non-traditional Christmas dinner is coming out all right ~ Wow! I wonder how many pre-sale copies of Lollipop's book have flown off the virtual shelf already. mingle with my typical (and boring) daily musings, I should get the mail before I go to town because there might be a check to deposit ~ What the heck am I going to feed my family tonight? ~ When will I get to watch the next episode of Brothers and Sisters? (yes Mel - I'm hooked)
Over the past four months you have become part of me. Your families, your tones of voice (or at least the ones I use when reading your words), your struggles and your rejoicing events walk through my days. But it happened so fast. It was like falling in love and not realizing it until a starry night when you looked into his eyes and nearly fell over.
Reading of Emilie's death knocked me over. I'm up. But I feel compelled to make you a promise - Never again will I underestimate the power of what we have. I cannot see you, but you are part of me. You are my third world.
"Bear" I said, crouching down so we were level - eye to eye - "Of course they ate the food. And I want you to know something. As you grow up - never forget - it is so important to believe without seeing."
Heaven and Earth -- The Seen and the Unseen
I talk about them all the time.
I write about them even more consistently.
They permeate my every thought.
I have three daughters: one in heaven, two on earth.
Two Worlds Collide was a working title for my book. A quick google revealed it was also a sci-fi novel and as much as my life experience may feel like science fiction at times, a book on grief and healing with the same name wouldn't really resonate with the literary public.
Regardless, for eight years I have worked to resolve the infinity sized gap between my two worlds. I have searched for earthly objects to represent the spirit form - grasping at their tangibility with my mortal soul, while crying oceans of tears knowing it would take a lifetime - my lifetime - to really narrow that chasm.
Perspective. It all comes down to the way we choose to see the world. This is what I told myself recently.
My two worlds are like a swinging pendulum in constant motion. There are moments, pinpointed seconds in time, when they collide with such force even I, moving in an opposite direction, cannot miss it. Time stops. Peace resides. All is right with both spheres - for a moment, a mere instant - we are a connected family. This I have made peace with. I no longer create questions or make up answers when these miracle moments come. I sit in them. In fact, my longing for them to stretch into forever is most probably what makes them dissapear. I can see them slip away, and feel the struggle return.
This has been my road, my two-laned highway for so long I don't even need to check lanes before passing. But this week, a third lane appeared. It came out of nowhere. It blind-sighted me with such force that I didn't notice in time. I crashed.
On Christmas Eve night I logged in to check my google reader. Ok there's no keeping secrets from you, is there? I logged in to see if Antigone had begun labor yet. And maybe that is why reading of Emilie's death reduced me to a sobbing mess. But if my all-consuming reaction could have been explained away by a diversion of focus, then I should be able to speak of it or even think of her now without tears. I can't.
I cried while asking for prayer at church for her husband, parents and boys.
I cried while writing my previous post regarding her loss.
I cry, now - writing this.
I know Emilie wasn't my third lane, but she represented it. She is the gorgeous spirit who knocked down the divider so I could finally see the world in triplet. Her death revealed how powerful this blogging community is to me. It cleared the fog allowing me to see past a rectangular computer screen and hear more than the clickety-clack of my partially grown nails on the keys. It brought my thirld world into focus - You.
I feel you. I feel the community. Apart from the occasional world tour or a decoration crisis, you have not seen the inside of my house, but you are here. I walk through my days and thoughts of you walk with me- I wonder if Stellan is breathing easier right now. ~ I hope Hope's Mama's non-traditional Christmas dinner is coming out all right ~ Wow! I wonder how many pre-sale copies of Lollipop's book have flown off the virtual shelf already. mingle with my typical (and boring) daily musings, I should get the mail before I go to town because there might be a check to deposit ~ What the heck am I going to feed my family tonight? ~ When will I get to watch the next episode of Brothers and Sisters? (yes Mel - I'm hooked)
Over the past four months you have become part of me. Your families, your tones of voice (or at least the ones I use when reading your words), your struggles and your rejoicing events walk through my days. But it happened so fast. It was like falling in love and not realizing it until a starry night when you looked into his eyes and nearly fell over.
Reading of Emilie's death knocked me over. I'm up. But I feel compelled to make you a promise - Never again will I underestimate the power of what we have. I cannot see you, but you are part of me. You are my third world.
"Bear" I said, crouching down so we were level - eye to eye - "Of course they ate the food. And I want you to know something. As you grow up - never forget - it is so important to believe without seeing."
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Reading and Writing
On September 1st I started this blog. Today is September 13th and I struggle to imagine it has only been twelve days since I became this 'blogger'. Honestly, On August 25th I didn't even know what a 'blog' was and six days later, through a friends need, I read my first one. (Yes - that is why I have an annoucement in red for first time bloggers! I didn't know you read from the bottom up!)
But here I am, two weeks later, thinking, acting, and creating like a real-life-rootin-tootin ...blogger! And my deepest emotion is gratitude. I am so grateful to finally find the place I searched for eight years ago (and MAN DID I SEARCH!) packed with women who "get it" so deeply they ofter have answers that the so-called professionals seemed stumped by. I am insanely blessed to find a network of women who live and grieve, cry and revel in their children ( both dead and alive), and most of all - I LOVE that anything goes. I love that one day you can be internal and introspective and people are good with that, but then next you can rage about some injustice that the world has done you just because you have three kids, but one doesn't eat at your dinner table.
I intend to introduce myslef to at least two new blogs a week until my sidebar is "chaulk full" with inspiration blogs. I am not shy... acutally I am probably one of the most outgoing people you will ever meet...and, therefore I am eager to comment and be commented!
If you haven't read my story from the beginning I take this opportunity to give you brief...low down. I am 32 years old, Emma's birthday is September 8th - she is 8 years old, Bear is 5 1/2 and The Comedian is 3 1/2. My husband is a contracter by day and a sustainable living organic farmer by night (by that I mean in his heart and dreams). I am a myrid of things and I am starting to think there is not enought time in this life to accomplish all I would like to. But for the moment, I am a mother and a writer. I am currrently writing an intimate memoir about my expeience from conception to birth and thereafter. So, eventually I imagine, you will all know WAY MORE about me than you ever wanted to. But, there it is. My current mission is to touch every bleeding heart I can with a message of "it sucks, but there is hope" (obviously I write a bit more in an elloquent manner) - but, ah-ha...yet ANOTHER reason why I love blogging.
So..THANK YOU for allowing me into your bloggorific world! I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you, your stories, your strifes and your successes. The tangibility of these connections is almost incomprehensible, but - so is what has happed to us and that, more than anything, is why we need each other.
But here I am, two weeks later, thinking, acting, and creating like a real-life-rootin-tootin ...blogger! And my deepest emotion is gratitude. I am so grateful to finally find the place I searched for eight years ago (and MAN DID I SEARCH!) packed with women who "get it" so deeply they ofter have answers that the so-called professionals seemed stumped by. I am insanely blessed to find a network of women who live and grieve, cry and revel in their children ( both dead and alive), and most of all - I LOVE that anything goes. I love that one day you can be internal and introspective and people are good with that, but then next you can rage about some injustice that the world has done you just because you have three kids, but one doesn't eat at your dinner table.
I intend to introduce myslef to at least two new blogs a week until my sidebar is "chaulk full" with inspiration blogs. I am not shy... acutally I am probably one of the most outgoing people you will ever meet...and, therefore I am eager to comment and be commented!
If you haven't read my story from the beginning I take this opportunity to give you brief...low down. I am 32 years old, Emma's birthday is September 8th - she is 8 years old, Bear is 5 1/2 and The Comedian is 3 1/2. My husband is a contracter by day and a sustainable living organic farmer by night (by that I mean in his heart and dreams). I am a myrid of things and I am starting to think there is not enought time in this life to accomplish all I would like to. But for the moment, I am a mother and a writer. I am currrently writing an intimate memoir about my expeience from conception to birth and thereafter. So, eventually I imagine, you will all know WAY MORE about me than you ever wanted to. But, there it is. My current mission is to touch every bleeding heart I can with a message of "it sucks, but there is hope" (obviously I write a bit more in an elloquent manner) - but, ah-ha...yet ANOTHER reason why I love blogging.
So..THANK YOU for allowing me into your bloggorific world! I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you, your stories, your strifes and your successes. The tangibility of these connections is almost incomprehensible, but - so is what has happed to us and that, more than anything, is why we need each other.
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