If...

You like success stories

AND

you are ok with pictures of living children

AND

you were wonding how that afternoon of swimming I spoke of went...

then you have an open invitation to click over to The Bear and The Comedian.

Perfect Moment Monday - Of The Greek Tragedy Variety (UPDATED SO LAST IMAGE WORKS!)

DISCLAIMER: IF YOU ARE A VEGETARIAN - YOU MAY NOT WANT TO READ THIS POST. IT IS PART OF MY LIFE...EVEN IF I WISH IT WASN'T.

Yesterday, at 1:30 pm, heads were a rolling...literally.

The Prequil - New Years Eve, 2008

For a month, he added water, turned them daily, made sure the heat was just right. Tonight, he awoke every two hours to the sound of yet another breaking shell. Ten new lives entered this world...

Who were they? Rooster or Hen? How long could they survive their fate? Questions only answered by time.

Five months later...

The Tragedy - May 17th, 2009

The familiar blue truck pulled in. Grampa hopped out muttering words we knew were coming, but were still unready to hear. "Guess we better take care of them roosters." It wasn't a question.

The odds, it seemed, were against them from the start, for of the ten hatched eggs, seven - yes SEVEN, grew into large, feathered, LOUD roosters who seemed not to understand that crowing was typically reserved for when the sun acually appears on the horizon. Seven roosters and three hens *sigh* we know what that meant.

"I really only need one rooster" Jer said, "It's eggs we want."

"Yup" I responded, "I get that but I don't want to be here for it. I don't want to see it. I don't want to hear it...got it?"

Best laid plans and all...for that Grandpa covered the ground from truck to ax to chicken coop in about 10 seconds flat. (note: even with supermommy skills I couldn't get the girls in the car that fast)

And worse: their small-person curiosity had been peaked! And then - it was over. And, even though I didn't look I found myself deeply cringing at my children's reactions. It was like watching a movie through the window...

We left - then came back 2 1/2 hours later.

The Comedy - Same day...just later

Bear's In-The-Moment Reaction: A stoic face clearly processing what she had just seen. Silence. More processing. A bit of face contortion as they did what chickens do after they lose their heads. More silence. More processing. A quiet ride in the car to the school play we planned to be at while the drama ensued!

Bear's Delayed Reaction: "Mom, is that what we would do if some cut our heads off?"

Um...no. Definately not. Not funny in the ha-ha sense, but certainly not what I expected her first question to be!

The Comedian's In-The-Moment Reaction: Drawing in one deep excited breath, totally enamoured with the whole process, then yelling out in only the way she can..."HEY! Them can fly without them heads!!!!!" And without missing a beat she fell in step beside her beloved Grandpa, cocking her own head to ask, "You gonna do another one?"

The Comedian's Delayed Reaction: Do you even have to ask? Re-telling the story over and over and over and over with additional details each time as I just nod and sport a slight smile.

The Pre-Prequil

When I was fourteen years old I went over to Jer's house for the first time. I was there as a friend of his brothers, but my reason for being there made no difference as I was invited a 'wrapping day'.

Believe you me, when the men-folk said "see you in a bit" and descended into the depths of a basement I had never seen I was more than a bit puzzled. But, being the dutiful little guest I was, readily ripped paper for who-knew-what...

Us ladies, you see - were upstairs preparing to wrap the hams and steaks that would soon ascend from said basement looking (I was very relieved to see) much like they do in the grocery store.

Even still - for a country girl raised by previously raised city folk, it was an eye opener. Let this little tangent serve only to say that when the beautiful day came that I fell for Jer, I knew what I was getting into.

That said, "I am a farmer's wife" did not translate, for me anyway, into "I will participate in all of the farmer's duties."

Just saying.

The Comedy - Part Duex

But even I, the mentally on-the-fence about all things slaughtered, wife of a generational farmer, could not stop laughing at 6pm yesterday.

"What would you like to watch a little bit of before bed tonight?" I asked my elder.

"We started a movie this morning when you were at church. Let's finish that" she replied.

I pushed the play button on the dvd player, assuming it would remember where it stopped before - and saw this...

Ironic beyond measure. Planned? I doubt it. Appropriate in some warped way? I thought so, or at least, my funny bone did.

Questions...

Bear is finally asking some hard hitting questions. I posted the conversation on the other blog. If you want to see how it unfolded...click on over.

(pictures of children at the other site - but not in the post)

My Third World Is Not A Country

"Mom - fairies are real, you know" Bear said to me on a walk this morning. "Hmmm?" I answered. "Oh yes" she continued, "I went to check on my fairy house and all the food is gone. It was sticks and twigs and no-one would want that kind of food unless they were a fairy - so - now I believe."

Heaven and Earth -- The Seen and the Unseen

I talk about them all the time.
I write about them even more consistently.
They permeate my every thought.

I have three daughters: one in heaven, two on earth.

Two Worlds Collide was a working title for my book. A quick google revealed it was also a sci-fi novel and as much as my life experience may feel like science fiction at times, a book on grief and healing with the same name wouldn't really resonate with the literary public.

Regardless, for eight years I have worked to resolve the infinity sized gap between my two worlds. I have searched for earthly objects to represent the spirit form - grasping at their tangibility with my mortal soul, while crying oceans of tears knowing it would take a lifetime - my lifetime - to really narrow that chasm.

Perspective. It all comes down to the way we choose to see the world. This is what I told myself recently.

My two worlds are like a swinging pendulum in constant motion. There are moments, pinpointed seconds in time, when they collide with such force even I, moving in an opposite direction, cannot miss it. Time stops. Peace resides. All is right with both spheres - for a moment, a mere instant - we are a connected family. This I have made peace with. I no longer create questions or make up answers when these miracle moments come. I sit in them. In fact, my longing for them to stretch into forever is most probably what makes them dissapear. I can see them slip away, and feel the struggle return.

This has been my road, my two-laned highway for so long I don't even need to check lanes before passing. But this week, a third lane appeared. It came out of nowhere. It blind-sighted me with such force that I didn't notice in time. I crashed.

On Christmas Eve night I logged in to check my google reader. Ok there's no keeping secrets from you, is there? I logged in to see if Antigone had begun labor yet. And maybe that is why reading of Emilie's death reduced me to a sobbing mess. But if my all-consuming reaction could have been explained away by a diversion of focus, then I should be able to speak of it or even think of her now without tears. I can't.

I cried while asking for prayer at church for her husband, parents and boys.
I cried while writing my previous post regarding her loss.
I cry, now - writing this.

I know Emilie wasn't my third lane, but she represented it. She is the gorgeous spirit who knocked down the divider so I could finally see the world in triplet. Her death revealed how powerful this blogging community is to me. It cleared the fog allowing me to see past a rectangular computer screen and hear more than the clickety-clack of my partially grown nails on the keys. It brought my thirld world into focus - You.

I feel you. I feel the community. Apart from the occasional world tour or a decoration crisis, you have not seen the inside of my house, but you are here. I walk through my days and thoughts of you walk with me- I wonder if Stellan is breathing easier right now. ~ I hope Hope's Mama's non-traditional Christmas dinner is coming out all right ~ Wow! I wonder how many pre-sale copies of Lollipop's book have flown off the virtual shelf already. mingle with my typical (and boring) daily musings, I should get the mail before I go to town because there might be a check to deposit ~ What the heck am I going to feed my family tonight? ~ When will I get to watch the next episode of Brothers and Sisters? (yes Mel - I'm hooked)

Over the past four months you have become part of me. Your families, your tones of voice (or at least the ones I use when reading your words), your struggles and your rejoicing events walk through my days. But it happened so fast. It was like falling in love and not realizing it until a starry night when you looked into his eyes and nearly fell over.

Reading of Emilie's death knocked me over. I'm up. But I feel compelled to make you a promise - Never again will I underestimate the power of what we have. I cannot see you, but you are part of me. You are my third world.

"Bear" I said, crouching down so we were level - eye to eye - "Of course they ate the food. And I want you to know something. As you grow up - never forget - it is so important to believe without seeing."

Candles Brightly Burning (Kids Mentioned)

What a week.

Monday I feld led to embrace and celebrate Emma regardles of the date on the calendar. Big.

Last night, the world came together to create a collective wave of light for all our little ones who flew too soon.

I hope this wave of light EDUCATED many in the world. Many who have not been touched by this kind of loss, but still harbor misconceptions about preganancy loss, stillbirth, and infant death. (Yes - I know the article is old - but our message isn't!)

Anyway - yesterday afternoon I sat down my little girls and we talked:

ME: Today is a special day.

Bear: Do we get a special treat?

ME: Um...no.

The Comedian: Is it a birthday? I like cake - but not the black cake, only the yellow cake. Yes, cake is good, but cake not good for you. Cake a special treat - we get a special treat?

(Ahhh- didn't I just answer that?)

ME: No, it isn't a birthday. It is more like a "Remembering Day".

Bear: But you ask me to remember things everyday: my lunch box, my sneaker shoes, my teacher's folder...(she could have listed forever)

ME (holding a candle - a visual referance is always good): Ladies, tonight at 7:00 all the moms and dads, grandparents, family and friends of babies who went to heaven are going to light a candle -to REMEMBER them.

Bear (really thinking now): Emma went to heaven.

ME: Yes

Bear: Lots of other babies went to heaven?

Me (sadly) - Yes

Bear: Babies in Poland?

(NOTE: She stays after school for a once a week library program where they study other countries. Yesterday was Poland.)

ME: Yes sweetie. Babies all over the world: Poland, Canada, China and here in our country.

Bear (in an accepting and all business voice) - "Oh" - and she walks off.

The Comedian: Where's the cake? (Yeah - I know she's a laugh riot)

I walk into the kitchen, start dinner, and ten minutes later - just when the other room is getting a little tooooo quiet, I hear "Mom - come see what I did". (Bear, of course)

It looked even more stunning after lighting them.

Here's to every one of you and your angels.

My Card Of The Day (kids mentioned)

The card I picked today reads..."Nothing is more important than that I feel good". Well - hmmm...I don't exactly know how to meditate on that one. Yes - I agree, I would like to feel good (like I did on Monday at 2:30 pm post massage, facial, yoga, reiki, long talk with a good friend, and after my effortless rest in the hot tub...yeah that kind of good) EVERYDAY, but it just isn't realistic, or is it? Am I missing some cosmic connection that would allow bliss to tail me every second of every day, um - and night by the way (if that connection is listening) because I would REALLY LIKE TO SLEEP AGAIN, sometime soon please!



But ok, really I'm fine. My lower back is screaming, but no matter. My fingers work and my heart is settled in this post Emma's birthday period. (ok - settling if I'm being honest) and so I'm fine. Honesty, interesting that word found its way into this post becuase that is my main intention on this blog, honesty, with myself and with you, the readers I am blessed to have choosing to follow my journey. Admittedly, I do enjoy the full body feeling writing airy, heavenly, Emma and I connected forever kind of posts. It feeds my ever winding road of healing. But Emma, my sweet girl, as alive as she is for me, is not here. Bear and The Comedian are here and although one (without question) requires more attention from me than the other (who also - without question) gets the short end of the attention stick more often than not - they are my everything. And so, for the duration of this post I will intentially turn the table in the 'attention' game.



BEAR (5 1/2) - I delight in advocating for her as she navigates this new world they call Kin-der-gar-ten. For every once of energy, time, cuddles, and yes - discipline I put into her I know they will not only serve her in her life, but come back at me times ten. (how that for brief?)



THE COMEDIAN (3 1/2)- It is probably obvious the role she plays in our lives (I did pick her "screen name" for a good reason!) She ...is...FUNNY! She is pure comedy. She is so unintetionaly hillarious that it makes everything she does, somehow even funnier. Someone once said to me, "Wow! All you have to do is look at her, and you laugh". Its true - although it doesn't exactly sound great when I write it that way. Anyway, I think of her as the next Ellen, able to shift a facial expression and get a laugh (and here is the important part) - FROM ANYBODY! My Comedian brings joy to the world - joy through laughter. She creates those "truly you had to be there moments" because if you weren't, any measure of re-telling can never re-create the real thing. In fact, I am sorely tempted to try out my theory and share an event from the dinner table last week, but I know better. Words don't do this child's natural talent justice. The picture I had posted for a few days on my Sunday, Sept. 7th post however, clearly showed her innate ability to take any situation and find the humor. ( we were posing behind her sister's headstone after all)



Thank you God for sending me this girl. Thank you for infusing constant humor into our lives, because we need it. I need it. I could so easily drown in Emma's love and Bear's needs and never find my way back to the lighter side of life. I could exist through my to-do lists and my "next steps" without pause, but at least once a day, my youngest, my last little girl, challenges me to see the world through her flexible eyes. To look at what is right in front of me and soak it all in. To NEVER take one little thing for granted.



So how can feel bad? I can't, I guess. "Nothing is more important than that I feel good" says my all knowing card of the day. Silly me for needing a card. I have The Comedian and she shows me this everyday.