Welcome Mothers, Fathers, Grandmothers, Grandfathers, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Friends and anyone else who needs an ear...Please come with an open heart.

This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

Please cry if you need to.
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Please tell your story

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Stepping Through The Door - Love Remains

If you have been wondering how our cat drama ended, the story is HERE, because children are pictured. If you can't click over...I understand.


The ad called to me, not just because it will be at the local elementary school or because we happen to have that day free, OR because our attic is so full of crap that has been there since the day we moved in...SEVEN years ago - but for it's byline: WE DO THE ADVERTISING. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SHOW UP.


And so, Comedian and I opened the the attic...this morning. As I climbed the dusty, dead-bug ridden stairs my mind repeated a controlled mantra: throw away the trash, sell the clutter, keep only what you NEED...

This not easy for me. Perhaps the need to keep all things past is genetically encoded, for my parents attic looked just like this, but worse, before they moved. They had lived over 30 years in the house. Well, to be fair, a good portion of their attic clutter was deposited into MY attic the day we moved here. It hasn't been touched since. *sigh*

I knew it wouldn't be an easy task. I knew Comedian would keep it light hearted with her constant chatter, keeping me from getting lost in old year books, stacks of heart pulling photos, or years and years and years of college class notes, papers, and records of my early teaching days...

What I wasn't prepared for was the pinball machine effect. Every box I opened held a past life. Every time I turned around I was in another place, surrounded by different people: an ASL teacher, a student, a voice actor in a Deaf play, in an airport with friends I barely see headed overseas for the first time...

Crumpled old collages that used to pepper my pale pink walls. Each had a theme, pictorally representing a portion of my life.

Yet another journal. Oh Lordy...that's just what I need.

In my bedroom at 7 years old playing barbies. But check out the CLASSIC carrying case!

In my underoos with my cousins, which was captured for all eternity on the cover of Kidsong's songbook.

Teaching myself to type on my BRAND NEW Commodore 64 with this hot off the presses game: Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing... (oh the money I made typing papers for people!)

Playing 'Emily' in the classic play, Our Town, annually during my high school years.

Walking in on my college roommate having sex, over and over and over.... *eeewwwww*

Obsessing to the point of perfection in every class, for every assignment, excelling..then keeping them all - for ALL THESE YEARS! (There are many - many more of these crates...)

What a trip. A nice ride, a fun ride, controlled by a constant genuine voice gasping for air at every treasure, "Oh Mommy, you found more paper!" It kept me from diving in, unable to come up for reality-based air. I was quite enjoying myself until...

I opened this card,

and I was right back there. It was my first day back to work after Emma died. Everyone tried. They had no idea what to do. Someone tried harder. She was handing me this card. "Time Passes...Love Remains"

"O.K. Sweets", I managed "That's enough for today."

And, thankfully, she agreed, "Yeah. You have too much stuff here and it makes me sneeze."
Time does pass, but love doesn't just remain - it grows.


Kristin said...

What a trip down memory lane and what a beautiful card.

Martha said...

Wow, that is a lovely card. Thanks for sharing your history, Barbies included.

Another Dreamer said...

Wow, what a time warp; with what a powerful ending to it. (*hugs*)

Michelle said...

What a nice trip down memory lane.
I laughed at the Commodore 64 I was just talking about that with people at work.

PS I tagged you on my blog.

Dora said...

Big hug, my friend.

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Time Is Both My Best Ally and My Worst Enemy: My Meltdown 8 Years Later