THE MISSION

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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Friday, June 12, 2009

What's In A Number?

And - No, this is not a post-birthday lament...but a HUGE thank you is due to all the lovely ladies who took time out of their day to wish me a nice one. I can tell you, it just got better and better and better!!

Jer and I walked down the isle with a shared common nieve, pollyanna vision of our future. Although polar opposites to look at we tapped right into that whole 'soul mate' thing, as in 'I am already complete by myself but you fit like the right puzzle piece' kind of soul mate.

There was one thing we disagreed on, however. Whenever we were asked, "How many kids do you want?" Our consistently opposing answer was "Me: 4, Him: 2". It seemed on this point, we could not agree.

I am an only child who, as a way of overcompensating, always had dreams of a BIG family. I envisioned myself with a Maria-like air, signing my personal sound of music as I did the dishes (by hand of course) with my flowing skirts just toucing the floor and a non-descript number of kids happily playing at my feet.

Him, one of two, realized the dynamics of siblings and was firm with his 'two is enough' declaration, adding the 'we can divide and conquer' theory to back up his statement.

My response, "Well, if we have three - we have four. I will NOT raise a middle child. I'm sure to muck that up with honors!"

This banter was fun. It was easy to muse about our future when our first was already growing so steadily inside me. No decisions had to be made, time would sort all that out...

And then, Emma died. And our second looked very much like our first. And our third (the on-the bubble-child, if you will) looked very much like our second.

And one day, Jer looked at me. His face slightly contorted like something profound yet only recently made obvious had just struck him. He said, rather sadly, "Well, it looks like we had three, but there's no need to have four."

Too true my love. It seems that babyloss tests the boundries of math equality. Easy equations no longer add up. In my life: 2 = 3.

How many children did you envision? What is your equation? And, how do you present it to the 'real word'?

5 comments:

Bluebird said...

Ah. Interesting.

I, too, always wanted odd numbers for the same reason you did :)

Another Dreamer said...

Ahh, (*hugs*) What a thought provoking post.

I wanted to have 2, maybe 3. I came from a nuclear family, 1 full brother, 2 half brothers, and a half sister. That makes me 1 of 5. Although the most that was ever in a household was 4. And man, fighting for the bathroom or privacy, yikes! My husband is also one of 5. So, we were both adamant that we wanted less than 4.

Of course now, we'd like two or three children; either biologically or through adoption. And after that, we won't prevent... so if we are ever given more, we'd be happy too.

Of course, part of me would just like to go on birth control and say forget this... and just focus on adopting and moving on. Because if we stop trying for a biological child, it means we won't have the risk of another miscarriage.

Because right now, 2=0...
and I'm terrified of it becoming 3=0.

Sara said...

Cara, I've done this same math. I always said I wanted 2 or 3 kids, and by the time I started having them, 2 seemed more likely. Now I really want to have another because I want Kathleen to grow up with a sister or brother. And if we do have one more, I'll have both, 2 and 3: three total, but two here.

Kristin said...

Until I was pregnant with my second, I always thought I would have 3...but then that little voice I attribute to the man up above started insisting "THERE ARE SUPPOSE TO BE 4." The more I tried to ignore it, the more insistent that voice got. So, I finally threw up my hands and said, "Ok, there will be 4." And, then we went to hell and back and had 6 losses while trying to get Gabe here. And, just when we were ready to try again my husband's diabetes went wacko so we had to put it off. Maybe, just maybe we will get to try for that 4th soon. When I tell people how many kids we have I say 3 but I never hesitate to talk about all the babies I have lost.

CLC said...

I am hoping for another living child so Denis will have a sibling to play with. I always thought I would have 3 children. If I am successful, I guess I will but it's certainly doesn't look like the way I thought it would.

Happy belated birthday.

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