THE MISSION

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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Sunday, November 8, 2009

Grief

I am heavy with grief today. My body aches. My eyes brim, silently spilling without provocation. Images fill my head and no real life presence can make them evaporate, like ashes, into the air.

This morning I received an email that, yet another baby had been born still. I receive them all the time: the calls, the emails, the references from a friend of a friend; but this was different.

I sat, reading and re-reading, thinking it had to be wrong. This couldn't have happened to her. No. It just wan't possible. Not even the unbalaned choas of this world could justify that she would be the 1 in 4.

***
We met at the Share National Training last spring. A small intimate group sat around the table and over the course of 5 days we knew details about each others lives as minute as the lines in a fallen leaf. We bonded, all of us, but this woman and I connected, really connected, and not just because we had travelled half-way across the country from the same small section of the Northeast. We could have been on the same airplane.

Two paths converging. Two lives about to be forever changed. Neither of us had a clue.

***
She's special for so many reasons:

~She is a social worker.
~She is a yoga teacher, for adult and children alike.
~She runs a Share support group.
~She runs a pregnancy after loss group.
~She is a loving mother to her girls.

But, most of all -- and this is the key that unlocked my affection for her -- she chose to attend that training. She intentionaly put herself in a place to learn more about bereavemnt, to listen to broken parents speak of their lost little ones. She opened herself to a world most push away with brute force, unwilling to listen because it might make it possible.

She welcomed the knowledge with a serene smile, an understanding heart, and a desire to truly help.

And, if you have read here for any length of time, you will remember a story of a quest during that conference: a desire to lounge in a hot tub made possible by a giving friend. She is that friend. She made it happen.

***
Today, I brim with equal measures of grief and anger, my day derailed by the undeniable remined that babies die everyday.

This is the email I sent her:

"I need to you know how affected I am by your loss. I get these calls and emails all time, as do you, but with you it's different. Silent tears fell all through church. I asked someone else to teach my Sunday School. I have images playing through my head that I can't be sure happened. Our time together last spring was a bonding experience. Looking back now it is obvious we met for a reason...even though I just was so grateful to you for being who you are: a kind, compassionate person in a helping field, attending a training to be better prepared to help OTHERS as they lived the tragedy of babyloss. I told my husband that it is rare to find people like you.I think that is why I'm so broken with grief for your lost girl and anger that YOU, you of all people didn't deserve this. I know I'm rambling and you are in no space to hear my emotional rambles. I just wanted you to know how much you are filling my day, I'll cry for you all day if I have to, I'll purge my emotions -- then, my training will kick back in and I will support you however I best can."

Past meets present. My experience converging with her reality. Our history setting the stage for a new type of relationship.

I hate that we now are in this club together. I hate that I now get to say, "I am so sad to be here. I am so glad I came" to her.

17 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

How heartbreaking, Cara. I wish we could somehow stop this happening. Why do they keep dying?
I'm heavy with grief for your friend, too.

Kristin said...

I am so sad for you and your friend, Cara. {{{Hugs}}} and prayers.

Sara said...

Cara, so sorry for your friend.

Michelle said...

My heart is broken for your friend. I am so sorry. I wish there was something that could make it all better. I am praying for her and her family.

((HUGS))

caitsmom said...

I am so sorry. No words. I am just so sorry. Peace.

angie said...

I am just so incredibly sorry to hear about your friend's loss. It is just heartbreaking...yes,we hear of it all the time, and it doesn't get any easier, you know. XO

Dora said...

Oh, how awful! Sending love and strength to both of you.

Eskimo_Kisses_4_U said...

I am so heartbroken to hear about your friend, Cara. My thoughts and prayers are with your friend and her family. {{{HUGS}}}

Bluebird said...

That is so heartbreaking. And so geniunely unbelievable. It's so very hard to understand. I'm just so sorry for your friend. And you, too.

N said...

I am so, so sorry for your friend.

Martha said...

Oh, Cara, I am so sorry for this heartbreak.
Prayers to the grieving family and you too.

Aunt Becky said...

I'm sending love and light. My heart and soul is so heavy.

Sophie said...

I'm so sorry. :(

MrsSpock said...

Oh my goodness, how awful. I am so very sorry for her.

Another Dreamer said...

Cara, I am so sorry for your friend's loss (*hugs*) And how it has affected you, for your loss as well.

rosetc63 said...

Oh, my. Cara, I know who you are talking about, and my heart just aches. I can't believe it.

I have no words. I can only imagine how this is affecting you.

That's all I can say. Like I said, I have no words.
Big (((HUGS))

Once A Mother said...

I join you in your heartbreak.

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