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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Show and Tell: Since I Feel Like I'm There Anwyay We Might As Well Go -- Back To The Beginning, Part 1 - Page 2 &3

A quick recap:

Recently I found Emma's journal.

Thinking I was ready, I decided to go back to the beginning.
Part One is HERE

Her ninth birthday is on September 8th.

The post before this is a peek into my current let's go back, together, shall we?

The journal is falling apart. No real surprise as so am I these days. But the symbolism has a melodramatic feel as I re-glue each piece of tissue paper, and then, the obituaries on top of them. Clearly, I am still putting the pieces back together in some way.

The fragile, nearly see through pieces of newsprint say things like:

"Emma Grace ... , infant daughter of Jeremiah and Cara... died Sept. 8th, 2000 at..."

"A private family graveside commital service will be...."

"There will be no visiting hours..."

"Contributions may be made to the Childbirth Center..."

My mind says:

~If you acknowledge that she died then you must recognize that she lived, but you - the collective you, as in politicos and state legistatures, insist that becuase she was born dead there was never life. Although I will argue this point until I join her in heaven, if they are so very insistant with their rebuttal shouldn't it have said, Emma Grace...infant daughter of Jeremiah and Cara...was born still on Sept. 8th, 2000 at... I'm one for details like that.

~The graveside service was private?? Really? As in either I, or he, or perhaps even Emma's life touched nearly 200 private people in our lives? Imagine if it had been open to the public. Just imagine...

~ Yes, come to think of it there were no visiting hours. Never occurred to me before. Probably a good choice as the sight of her casket ripped me into a thousand pieces, some real, most fictional. Couldn't have handled a church service either.

~ Contributions may be made to the Childbirth Center. Really? Was this protocol? Could I have trusted my mind to think logically and find a support group or research facility where donations could have been sent? Clearly not...but I wish I had and I wonder if said birthing center ever did receive a donation in the name of Emma Grace. Doubtful.

(Reminder to current self: add a link list on the sidebar of all the locations people can send grieving supporters to donate)

Sorry for the downer show and time - Page 3, a more honest peek into my early post Emma days.

"9-15-00 : Our joys will be greater - Our love will be deeper - Our life will be fuller - Because we shared your moment...

And they are.


Bluebird said...

Look at those little wrinkly feet :) I'm such a sucker for feet, honestly. Well, except for adult feet - I hate them; they're gross. But precious little baby feet? *Sigh* Be still my heart.

Thanks for letting us go back with you.

Billy said...

Just want to send a big hug, and thank you for sharing, this and the previous journal entry.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I think grief has a bit of a memory-erasing element. That's why we can't recall some of those details until we are shown proof. Thank you for sharing. Sending you hugs and prayers.

Michelle said...

Just wanted to send you some hugs. I know this is hard and I thank you for sharing it!

Kristin said...

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I wish I lived close enough to offer you a bit of support or a shoulder to lean on until you get past this time.

Beautiful Mess said...

I don't know why grief season is coming so soon for you. Maybe you're in a better place to receive the gifts Emma gave you the time she was with you? Maybe you're in a different place then before? Like you said, you may never know. I hope the sadness passes soon and you can rejoice in Emma and her life. She's a special girl to have you as a momma.

Thank you so much for sharing Emma's journal. It's so beautiful and precious.

MrsSpock said...

Ah, those lovely little feet wrench my heart. Thank you for sharing.

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