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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Thursday, August 20, 2009

Where I'm Supposed To Be

"Hi!" I said, more cheerfully than I truly felt. The sun beat down on the plastic chairs. I looked down the line of mothers following their children's trajectories as they bobbed in the shallow water.

I don't take the kids to the town pool.

It is twelve miles away. It is crowded. I can't work there. Not to mention that our neighbor has given us blanket permission to use his any time. It's one hundred yards away and vacant.

But swimming lessons have introduced us to the town pool and strirred memories of my own childhood in this little town where our lazy, hazy days of summer were spent swimming and eating popsicles until we were lobster red.

And so, today, lost in my own private nostalgia I said out loud, "Why don't we spend the afternoon at the town pool?"

As we drove there, the kids barely contained by their seat belts for the excitment running through their bodies, I realized just what I had gotten myself into. crowded, social, people I know, people I used to know...

Ah well, I rationalized, at least there are lifeguards there so I don't have to be in the water the whole time.

"Hey Cara! Oh My! It's been so long. Is that Bear? That must be Comedian." I knew what was coming before she said it, "They are so tall!"

Smiling and nodding I sat, settling in. One glance at my girls made clear they were living the life I recently had been remembering.

"I heard you started a group of some sort" the mom closest said, one arm around her nearly nine year old daughter. I immediately recognized her as the wife of our local undertaker.

I should have known I was supposed to be there. I should be in tune enough by now to recognized when I'm being led somewere, even if I have no idea why.

Emma moves in this world. She transcends my experience here as evidenced by so many former posts: one red leaf on her burning bush last fall, the double rainbow appearing on her birthday as we exited the resturant, my Missouri hot tub experience, and how I found our Share meeting space.

She wasn't alone today.

I spoke of Share Southern Vermont. I spoke of my mission. I spoke of the sad tragedies happening all around us right now.

She listened. She nodded. Then she said, "My good friend had a stillborn baby nearly ten years ago. She has more children now, but that was so difficult for her."

We began talking about how hard it is to reach the families who lost babies before the group began. We were loosly brainstorming how to get the word further out when her cell phone rang. She casually glanced at the caller id screen, and gasped.

When our eyes met, I knew. "Would you believe that is her?" she asked, still staring at the screen. I answered her as she walked away talking animatedly, "No, I swear I was just saying your name. This is so weird..."

"Yes, I believe it.", I said smiling ear to ear.

Two angel babies were busy today. Another connection made. Another stepping stone placed. Another earthly connection with my daughter.

Thank you Emma Grace. Your presence in my life is so precious. Guide me and I'll do the rest.


Michelle said...

That just gave me the chills. It is just amazing!

ezra'smommy said...

Aw Cara, made me teary eyed.

Once A Mother said...

i love the idea of our angel babies coming together in heaven to bring their mommies together on earth. beautiful post

Kristin said...

I always get chills when I read about these occurrences. What a wonderful moment.

Dora said...

Atta girl, Emma! Meant to be.

Bluebird said...

"Two angel babies were busy today"

Brought tears to my eyes. Pat yourself on the back for going to the pool, and for speaking up. It's clearly what you were meant to do.

Hope's Mama said...

Beautiful Cara.

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