Here We GROW again!

Ok - I'm sure the title has been used about a hundred times...but I couldn't resist!

Unless you are reading this blog for the first time you already know about the Angel Wall I started in my office a few weeks ago.

Mel was kind enough to help me get the word out through LFCA and I posted twice about it's creation. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who found their heart ready to share their sweet children, lost from this earth.

Yesterday, I decided the Angel Wall needed a space of it's very own so we can honor these beautiful souls without cluttering the blog with other posts. And so, another blog has been born.

http://wallofangels.blogspot.com/

Please, click over to see the wall grow. All I ask is as you read, you take a brief moment for each name and think of their strong spirit and of their parents.

Feel free to share the link with any grieving parents you know. This is here for everyone to grieve, to celebrate and to remember our children who flew.

Halloween - is this OUR holiday?

I have always questioned Halloween's motives in my children's lives. Don't get me wrong, I took great pleasure dressing up Bear as a 9 month old Care Bear (of course) and was sure to get a great pic of the tiny red heart on her butt! I even lugged her around in the wagon from door to door to "show her off" and collect candy that she would never eat. (Um -take a guess who DID eat it?)

The next years were equally exciting leading up to Halloween. I vaguely remember Dora, Curious George, Purple Cat, Orange Pelican and Scooby Doo costumes. However, I always found the anticipation outweighed the actual day. Let's face it, October 31st is rarely warm here in Vermont! (don't tell that I told you but, some years we actually have the snow!)

Entering this world with a sister already in heaven is not a typical childhood family trait so I reach for any concepts to help them radify this. But, this holiday has innocuous beginnings to be sure. There isn't any religous death and rising to grab onto and be shocked and dismayed as it gets (gasp) commercialized. There aren't any historical principles so foundational that we check various books out of the library to educate our little ones about the effortless freedom they possess.

There is, however, a very clear connection to death. All Hallows' Eve, All Saint's Day and All Soul's Day are all days of rememberance for our loved ones who have passed. All Souls Day also called, "Day of the Dead" is November 2nd (or as the article states, the next day if the 2nd falls on a Sunday), because for some reason we can't honor our dead on a Sunday?)

So, I ask the question...Is This OUR Holiday? Ours to embrace as mothers, fathers, grandparents, and siblings of a family member who has passed? Lord knows - the "other" celebration holdiays can be infinately difficult for us.

The last two years my family has been invited to a Day of the Dead Celebration. It is very well done by a culturally aware family who has lived in El Salvador and in the States. It is attended to from every angle with books, visual aides and children's activities to teach about the holiday. But we haven't gone.

Now, with the trick or treat night only a few days away I find myself wondering why? I held off on the alter, the food offering, standing up in front of the crowd and speaking of Emma for the girls. I worried it would be just a bit "too much" for them to emotionally assimilate and maybe solidify the otherwise abstract concept of "a dead sister".

But, seriously, who am I kidding? Dressing them up in equally abstract outfits and marching them around the neighborhood to collect sugar doesn't honor her properly, or at all for that matter.

Bear and Comedian have lived "with" Emma from the first days they could understand speech. She was Bear's first word. She is Comedian's "friend who lives in the bush". They care for her, celebrate her birthday for her, set up gorgeous candle rememberances for her, so why shouldn't they know of the The Day of the Dead?

So I've been mulling this over for a while and here is the funny part. Bear is in Kindergarten surrounded by "What are you going to be for Halloween" talk and although she is excited to walk around town and collect candy, she has yet to pick a costume. As of yesterday she said, "I don't need one. I'll just walk around and get candy". Right on - right? I mean, if this holiday has shifted from respecting and remembering our dead to dressing up in commericalized costumes and getting sugar highs, then lets just get the candy!

Then, there is The Comedian's take on this "scawwwwwy" holiday. But, this particular post has rambled on long enough with a contemplatitive / sarcastic tone so I won't include it here. But, if you would like to hear my hillarious little girl's Halloween proclamation then you will have to check back at The Bear and The Comedian tomorrow. (Trust me...it's funny!

Oh - and I'll post pictures of "Halloween Costumes Past" as it appears there won't be any this year. We will, however, make a point to remember their sister who lives in heaven.

A Meme for ME!

After the deep tones of my last post, I thought it time to FINALLY answer my meme, twice over! (well - I guess I should say "the next post" as blogger doesn't put things up the way I post them, but based on the day I started the post! - Anyone know how to bypass this?)

This should give you all a laugh - well the one's of you that know me anyway. I NEVER EVER use only one word (unless my eyebrows are raised and I'm drawing out my daughter's one syllable name into about 12 parts)...

1. Where is your cell phone? Carryall

2. Where is your significant other? Reading

3. Your hair color? Black

4. Your mother? Nearly Retired

5. Your father? Retired!

6. Your favorite thing? Salmon!

7. Your dream last night? Wacky

8. Your dream/goal? Author

9. The room you're in? Dining

10. Your hobby? Scrapbooking

11. Your fear? Medical Issues

12. Where do you want to be in six years? Inspiring

13. Where were you last night? Home

14. What you're not? Easy-Going ( Ha! A hyphen makes it one word!)

15. One of your wish list items? HOT-TUB!

16. Where you grew up? Vermont

17. The last thing you did? Dishes

18. What are you wearing? Jammies

19. Your T.V.? Nope

20. Your Pet? OLD!

21. Your computer? A gift!

22. Your mood? Grateful

23. Missing someone? Emma Grace

24. Your car? Hyundai!

25. Something you're not wearing? Socks

26. Favorite store? The Container Store

27. Your Summer? Short

28. Love someone? YUP!

29. Your favorite color? Yellow

30. When is the last time you laughed? Dinner

31. When was the last time you cried? Saturday

Now for the bestowing of the award. I just nailed all my followers not too long ago...so I'm going to take the low road on this one. If you want to play...play. If not - no worries.

Perfect Moment Monday!

Hey All - This weekend my DH and I went away to a Marriage Convention / Retreat at Killington Mountain. It was amazing on so many levels:

• Time alone away from the kids


• Lines of communications opened again (we nearly needed a cardiologist for all the build up in them)


• Goal sets


• Priorities Made


• Had a litttle fun too!
  

But here was the best part!!! When I made the reservation I was asked, "hotel or condo"? My answer, "Whichever is cheapest." Um - I didn't think it would be this...

See that wood burning fireplace? We had one!! And, a kitchen, dining room, washer / dryer, etc. etc...

You bet we too full advantage of the hot tub, pool, sauna, and game room!!!

A perfect weekend to be sure!

Running The Race Again

Hey Everyone and a BIG Welcome to ILCWers who are finding me for the first time!


Last month I ran the race for Iron Commentator, sprinting over the finish line without even breaking a sweat!


This month, I'm not sure. Now - don't get me wrong! I'm not throwing in the virtual towel just yet - but I am running other races, a series of 5k's perhaps, here in my real life and I just don't know if it will be possible.


Race #1 - Get my house, food, beds, packing, and two-page specific "what to do" list ready for the babysitter before 2:30pm tomorrow! (Ahhh- check the clock...that is 24 hours!)

REASON? DH and I are going away with two other couples for a "Keeping in Step with Your Mate Marriage Conference".


Race #2 - Prepare my body and brain for my business trip next week. Three days in Boston Interpreting for a (now get this), Embedded Systems Conference. Apparantly that is a fancy way of computer programming!

REASON? - I am finishing my testing process to become a Nationally Certifited ASL Interpreter and this job is just what I need right now - with the minor exception that I can't even figure out how to make my Angel Wall it's own page and virtually design it - so WHAT DO I KNOW ABOUT PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE???)

CONSEQUENCE? - It leaves my DH as a single parent, running the carpool before and after school, cooking, cleaning, still working his job, and potentially losing his mind! (kinda what I do all day everyday - right?)


Race #3 - Prepare my house for the fact that I will be absent for three days.

REASON? That should be obvious. If not see the consequence from #2.

CONSEQUENCE? I will not have my typical screen time and when I get home ICLW will be over!



Are you keeping notes? If so put this down...

• 17 year old babysitter staying overnight with our kids for the FIRST TIME! EEEEEEEKKKKKK (she's worked for us for three years - mild (sigh))


• Currently canning burnt applesauce! (long story involving high-burners, me on the phone and four kids running around my house this morning)


• Laundry is coming out my ears.


• I'm really anxious that I will not perform up to par at the conference.


• I'm signing everything I hear (including my kids conversations! Wouldn't you like to see that?)

CONSEQUENCE? I AM LOSING MY HEAD AND THE HOURS ARE EVAPORATING BEFORE MY EYES!!!!

So...that is very long way of saying that if I don't make the elusive IC for October I have a few very good reasons.

BUT IF YOU ARE HERE FROM ILCW - AND - MADE IT TO THE END OF THIS POST - CONGRATULATIONS - AND- IF YOU HAVE A BABY IN HEAVEN PLEASE CLICK -HERE- TO DO ME THE HONOR OF ADDING YOUR BABY TO OUR ANGEL WALL.

I WOULD BE SO OVERWHELMED WITH JOY IF I CAME HOME FROM BOSTON TO AN INBOX FULL OF ANGEL REQUESTS!

The Sprirt of Angels (UPDATE WITH ANOTHER PICTURE)

Welcome ILCW for October.




Another month is gone. Another 30 days have passed in our lives without our children who flew too soon. To them, it is effortless to exist in the ethers of our tangible lives, to appear in a red leaf, or a rainbow. For us, seeing them in the world is a journey of its own.


We hold tight to their belongings like a toddler with a non-swayable gift of object permanence: Pictures, locks of hair, stuffed bunnies bought early in the pregnancy, the first book on the bookshelf, the date circled in red on the calendar, the figurine sent by a loved one, the "anniversaries" of conception, death, and delivery, the memoralizing jewlery around our wrists and necks, and forever we hold the memories of our pregnancy, 6 weeks or 36, they will always be ours.


I have started a Angel Wall in my office. I want to see the faces, names, and /or due dates of all our angels. I want to be surrounded by their being as I sit and work everyday. I want to smile broadly oozing pride when a guest enters my home and inquires, "What is that on your wall?". I will answer, "Angels of all ages".


If you would like your angel on the wall please email me at carajer@tds.net. Include any or all of these: a picture of your baby, his or her name, and the date they flew.


I will treat them with respect. I will honor them and their parents as I look over each and every one before starting work. I shudder think how quickly the day will come when I will not be able to see even a slice of the light blue paint on my walls.


Here's to each and every one of you, your journey of grief and your sweet babies.





The print under our angels is my U.T.E.R.U.S purchase through Kate's Etsy shop. It is perfect! The shimmering light on the bridge represents all our chrildren.

A Common Soul,

Cara

UPDATE: OUR WALL AFTER JUST 2 DAYS. WE ARE GROWING - IN MEMORIES.

I'm Easy!

(shh...I have a secret to tell you) - I'M A TAGGING VIRGIN NO MORE!

Thanks to Mrs. Woogie, I have hurdled over another first of blogville. (and I'm ashmed to admit I was easy with the task - he he)

Ok - Done with the silly insinuations (I am a bit of a prude in real life - so that was fun!) Seriously, I am so glad that my story is reaching out to others and giving them some hope. This world is the most effective healing tool I've EVER been part of. God Bless each and every one of you!!

So...(ta-da-da-da) - The TAG:

1. Do you have the same friends since childhood?

I guess that depends of the definition of childhood, but I will say No. My closest friends and I began our relationships in high school or College. But, even those friendships took on a different form after our loss. My most intimate connections now (um...the deep talking and understanding kind - remember I'm a prude!) are with other women who have lived loss.

2. What do you value most about your friends?

Their ability to accept and keep up with the swinging door that constantly rotates around my grief. They smile and nod at my boarderline behavior one day and my solid, firm focus the next. (astounding really)

3. Are your friends sounding boards? Without a doubt.

4. What is your favorite activity to share with friends? I love to sit around a BIG table and carry one endless conversation while scrapbooking. We will be doing exactly that, tonight!

Hmmm....now who to tag? I know this is a sticky blog world topic, akin to snail main chain letters and such, so here is my strategy: I pick my followers (all four of them since Mrs. Woogie started this!). If you want to lessen the odds that you are picked for something like this again...then lets start building that follower list, huh?

I'm tagging... I'll Fly Away, Michelle, LisaDG, and (damn-the other sweet person is anonomous...arbitrarily picking a recent post by someone I follow...) CLC.

Show And Tell

This week for show and tell I am bringing...Emma Grace.

Until now her picture hasn't appeared on this site. It is time.

This is the only picture we have of her. It is everywhere. On the wall in the living room, the first page of her scrapbook and next to my bed so I see her everyday when I wake up. Although we have a stong spirit connection, it feels good to have at least one, worldly, tangible "thing" to hold onto.

Emma Grace...

My first born

My guiding light

The reason I stop and look; I used to keep right on walking

My inner voice

Now, please click back to see what everyone else is offering this week.

VIRTUAL WORLD TOUR IS EVERYWHERE!

THANK YOU TO MY SANCTUARY FOR SPEARHEADING THIS VTW!

I HAD SO MUCH FUN DOING THIS: SEARCHING FOR PLACES AND SIGNS I THOUGHT YOU ALL MIGHT FIND AMUSING!!! ENJOY!

UM...ANYONE ELSE FEEL A SAD, SOCIAL GLEE THAT GAS IS UNDER $3/GALLON?

THE ELLIS THEATRE - SPRINGFIELD, VERMONT - (AKA - HOME OF THE SIMPSONS!) THIS IS THE THEATRE WHERE THE OPENING OF THE SIMPONS MOVIE HAPPENED JUST OVER A YEAR AGO...NOW IT IS LIES IN RUINS AFTER A HORRIFIC FIRE. CHECK THE SIGN..."WE WILL REBUILD"

MY LIVING ROOM CEILING - VOTES ANYONE? SHOULD HUBBY FINISH IT SMOOTH OR WITH THE TEXTURED LOOK?

A CHERRY PICKER BEING USED AT A ROOFING TOOL - SMART!

INTERPRET AT WILL, THEY ASK...

THE SIX LOOSE LADIES SELL...

THE "SPOOKY" NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE ALL DECKED OUT FOR HALLOWEEN!

THANKS FOR TAKING A VIRTUAL TOUR OF MY LOCAL SURROUNDINGS, CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOURS!

Candles Brightly Burning (Kids Mentioned)

What a week.

Monday I feld led to embrace and celebrate Emma regardles of the date on the calendar. Big.

Last night, the world came together to create a collective wave of light for all our little ones who flew too soon.

I hope this wave of light EDUCATED many in the world. Many who have not been touched by this kind of loss, but still harbor misconceptions about preganancy loss, stillbirth, and infant death. (Yes - I know the article is old - but our message isn't!)

Anyway - yesterday afternoon I sat down my little girls and we talked:

ME: Today is a special day.

Bear: Do we get a special treat?

ME: Um...no.

The Comedian: Is it a birthday? I like cake - but not the black cake, only the yellow cake. Yes, cake is good, but cake not good for you. Cake a special treat - we get a special treat?

(Ahhh- didn't I just answer that?)

ME: No, it isn't a birthday. It is more like a "Remembering Day".

Bear: But you ask me to remember things everyday: my lunch box, my sneaker shoes, my teacher's folder...(she could have listed forever)

ME (holding a candle - a visual referance is always good): Ladies, tonight at 7:00 all the moms and dads, grandparents, family and friends of babies who went to heaven are going to light a candle -to REMEMBER them.

Bear (really thinking now): Emma went to heaven.

ME: Yes

Bear: Lots of other babies went to heaven?

Me (sadly) - Yes

Bear: Babies in Poland?

(NOTE: She stays after school for a once a week library program where they study other countries. Yesterday was Poland.)

ME: Yes sweetie. Babies all over the world: Poland, Canada, China and here in our country.

Bear (in an accepting and all business voice) - "Oh" - and she walks off.

The Comedian: Where's the cake? (Yeah - I know she's a laugh riot)

I walk into the kitchen, start dinner, and ten minutes later - just when the other room is getting a little tooooo quiet, I hear "Mom - come see what I did". (Bear, of course)

It looked even more stunning after lighting them.

Here's to every one of you and your angels.

PERFECT MOMENT UPDATE

(Be careful what you wish for...or type for that matter.)

I went. I meditated. I went deeper than I ever have.

I came out of it 20 minutes late to greet my child from her pre-school carpool.

(oops - but HOORAY for living in the moment!)

Perfect Moment...Everyday?

Time. It's cylical. It's circular. No, it's linear. It's the master of deception. It's defiant to the point of madness. It never halts, but seems to change gears based on the law of opposites. You want to hold the moment forever, it evaporates. You are broken under the pain of loss, it drags on endlessly.


Time. Quite possibly the most absract concept bestowed on us without origination. We are a nation of order, control, the masters of the "knowns". As such, we try to control time. We measure it in seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and years. We try to manipulate it and categorize our lives based on its quantitative proporties.


When I was six, I wanted to be eight.
Eight wasn't really everything I cracked it up to be at six.


The winter always looks more magical from the perspective of summer.
Summer hot and winter cold - It is what it is


Where do we stop time? When do we say, "Ah -ha. I found it. My perfect moment. I am satisfied here, at peace and not searching for the next, and the next, and the next?"


This train of semi-connected thought planted in my mind as I thought of Perfect Moment Mondays. Aside from the obvious alliteration so appealing to the phrase (Perfect Moment Wednesdays really doesn't work), why Monday? Why not everyday? Um...Thursday perhaps? But I, in my literal, time dictated world needed my good friend Mrs. Spock to point it out.


Is there a perfect moment within every 24 hours of our earthly experience? (there's that pesky timeline again) There has to be. There should be. How do we find it? How do we invite it?


After 32 years on this earth and 8 of them on my grief road I think my mind is finally breaking free of the securely locked time straps it has slaved to for years. It is a very slow process for me. Attention to self is not something I have allocated time for in the past. Oh sure, I worked out a bit here and there, hated it, but felt like a passerbys lingering glance or a friends, "Man you are looking good" was worth it. It wasn't for me. It was for the world.


I lost Emma's body. I lost the ability to hold a baby and nurse in wee the hours of the morning. I lost her eartly future and all its permutations. I have not lost Emma. She is my guiding star, the bright light leading me, calling me when I get lost. When I get trampled down by the "must-do's" of time.

I did not choose this road. None of us did. But here we are, sloshing through the hellish muck that is grief. And yet, my girl is so powerful within me that I am not so ignorant to her lessons anymore. Furthermore, I recognize that she will be my cosmic teacher for the rest of my earthly days.


It is my job to listen. "Take care of your inner self" she says "and you will better care for my sisters". I know she's right. The, But there is so much to do in so little time... list appears instantly confusing my choice of direction. No. Not today.


Today holds no special assigned meaning. It isn't her birthday. It isn't the anniversary of her death. It is only a day, a late Fall Vermont day, asking me to participate in the process of evolving my heart and soul.


I could pay bills. I could bust out the first draft of chapter seven. I could clean my house. I could....oh yes...I definately could.


I will meditate at Emma's grave. I will allow a perfect moment this day and everyday.


To hell with time.

Wordless Wednesday (As Promised) - Emma's Bush In All Her Glory!

Show and Tell - (Dare Style!)

Well, it's that time again. Class is once again in session and last week one our members, Miss Tomcat, issued a challenge.

I believe her exact words were... "You must find the dorkiest photo of yourself, and post it on your blog. Say, in a weeks time. There will be a prize for the most dorksome. A really, really dorky prize. xo"

So I expect that this weeks class will be full of youngsters with four eyes (The Comedian has glasses so that is in no way a disrepectful statement!), braces and , well, we already know our fab member with crossed eyes. Make sure to see her extra credit post for the cutie post-surgery!

Anyway, no idea if an uncoordinated six year old or a teen with crooked teeth and bad taste in earrings can compete...but here goes.

POINTS TO NOTICE:

• The Little House on the Prarie Dress
  
• The freshly glossed over scab


• The best mullet you have ever seen!!


• Oh- and see that bicycle tire in the bottom right hand of the pic? THAT is what was responsible for my chin injury..the DAY BEFORE school pictures. Yeah, grace was not my middle name, so why do I look so happy?
  
  

This visual representation of my seventh grade self is a little fuzzy, but not convaluted enough to mask the dinasour earrings, crooked collar and ...if you look closely...THE RETAINER!

Tomcat, hope this brings you another giggle or two and please, for other tell all pics from our younger years and some traditional Show and Tell's...hop on over to the homeroom!

Space and Time are No Match (living children pictured)

Good Evening All. We are coming to end of a spectacularly gorgeous day here in Southern Vermont! The sun shined down and warmed our toes after the last few frosty days.

The Comedian and I have "special time" together every school day from 12:30 to 2:30 when she arrives home and Bear is still at school. Some days she naps and some...not so much. Today, she seemed uninterested and I innocently suggested we decorate the porch with the pumpkins and blue hubbard squash from our garden this year. I say, "innocently" because I had NO IDEA how seriously she would take this task. I mean, come on...you know this kid, she doesn't take ANYTHING seriously! (or - if you don't know her and want to...click HERE)

Anyway, six wagon trips and lots of "Ooo, Mummy I a big kid to lift this heaviness. Ooo..Mummy I am a good job to pull wagons" and so forth and so on, she pics the teeniest, tiniest pumpkin of the bunch and stops short. "Ah-ha" she exclaims, "This is Emma's pumpkin!" Anticipating my next move (jeez- I wonder how she knows this is coming) she runs over to Emma's bush and sits down saying, "Cheeeezzzee".

I'm touched. I have one of my internal smiles followed by a, I guess I must be connecting the kids in the healthy way I want, moments. I take the picture. Then as I start to walk back toward the numerous other pumpkins that, sadly, she isn't strong enough to lift up the stairs, I hear a quiet loving voice, "Emma, this pumpkin is for you. It is teeny like you. It looks like a baby and you a baby. You my baby sister. You angel hold you pumkin for you, ok?"

Now I'm a mess but in good way. Just when I was about to turn around, go back and sit with her, just hug her and maybe chat about Emma a little. You know - the picture perfect fade to black ending every romantic comedy ends like...The true Comedian returned. She hopped up, ran to me and wrapped her arms around the back of my legs. I turned to look at her and she simply said, "Mummy, I talked to her." then ran back to our project.

I love goopy and sappy and let's talk it through but I guess that is meant for the two of us another day. She is a good sister.

BTW - did you notice how red the burning bush is now??? The power of the one red leaf still amazes me!

The Eagle Has Landed / What Color Does The Meter Read?

SECTION ONE: THE EAGLE HAS LANDED

Ok, it's done. The proposal we, a collective group of cyberspace dbm's have worked on for two weeks has been delivered to Lisa, the contact person, the totally awesome childbirth nurse who, even as she quickly flipped through it, had tears in her eyes!


If you have NO IDEA what I am babbling on about in partial-code, click here and it will all make sense!


So, tonight would be a great night for me to kick back, relax - maybe with a glass of wine and just "be", right?

Um...no. On to my next adventure, for I seem NOT to be able to do NOTHING lately. S..l.o..w is just not on my current radar and I think it is because EVERYTHING I am doing is so self-motivated, so exciting, so turning a new page in my greiving proccess. Like my internal grieving is seeping through to the outside world and they (now get this...) ACTUALLY WANT TO HEAR IT!


Tonight I am going to my first local writer's group meeting and .....(internal silent scream)...reading a 5 page excerpt aloud to real live people and will get their ....(louder scream)....real life reactions. I AM SO EXCITED. Finally Emma's story, however brief, will be heard by other writers. I am a fairly flexible person in my post-loss re-design, but I have not had others critique my writing for a loooooong time.


So, this is a test run to check the boyancy of my "constructive critism sensitivity meter" after all these years. Next comes the Barren Bitches Book Brigade which I am so honored to join! Then, the big leagues and (shhh...don't say this too loud or it might tempt the writing gods...) an ed.it.or who will, without a doubt, have much constructive and not so tapered criticism!


I'm writing this post in sections on purpsose. See you after the meeting!


SECTION TWO: WHAT COLOR DOES THE METER READ?

I'm back! (but this is the next day) The meeting was AMAZING for so many reasons. The stars all alligned themselves to make it "my" night!

Let's see if I can clear this up. The whole point of this gathering was that the "local writers" from last summer's group was re-connecting with this amazing woman who visits twice a year from Florida. She is the mother of a local Inn owner, a lifetime writer, an English teacher and she gets paid to write other people's life stories and get them pubishlished! So, as excited as I was about getting together with my fellow yocals...I was over the moon about the feedback I would receive from this woman!

Meeting begins at 7pm.
I am there at 6:57 (I'm always a few minutes early)
I am the first one there (of course)
7:30 - M. and and are I have having a really personal "get to know each other chat"
No one else has showed up
8:00 - We are really connecting on so many levels : as people, as writers - still no one else comes.

The point? We realized that we were supposed to have this private session. I was the "guest", invited at the last minute and none of the regulars showed up, because they weren't supposed to. Our ease at accepting this as fact was overwhelming. We opened our exerpts and dug in.

I had brought two pieces...better to be over prepared, right? And she reviewed BOTH. Really honest, heartfelt feedback (and not so much criticism - yeah!), mostly she corrected my grammar. (misplaced commas, chopping extra long sentences..etc)

I was blessed with three hours of this woman's well saught after time. It flew by. If I had any remaining doubt that this is what I am supposed to be doing with my life right now, the evaporated last night.

BBBB - see you on the 15th. Can't wait.

WHO ARE WE?

Ok - so the votes are in and tallied. However, like all voting systems (yeah, I'm not even going to go there!), this one feels skewed.

The question was... Who do you represent? (in connection to your loss, that is) And the multiple choice options were pretty simple, a question of identity really: mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, or other.

So - here are the results after 25 days and 330 profile visitors (ok - I know that's subjective too...)

(drumroll please!) 23 votes!!!!! Revealing a not so shocking ratio of 91% mothers visiting and actually voting on the poll.

(No one can see you so if you are one of the 307 others who came but didn't vote...raise your hand, higher...thanks.)

Seriously, just kidding.

My heartfelt thanks for coming and I'm so sorry for your loss however you are affected by it. Please come back whenever you feel the need. Don't feel the need to comment until you are ready, then know I will always return your outreach through your own blog, or email if you don't currently have one.

And just to show that I am not complete rule and statistic bound (yeah right) I am going to take an educated guess and predict that the majority of the unaccounted for visitors are also...mothers of babes who have passed on. (you know I have prophetic tendencies, right?)

We really are the the bravest ones, you know, forced to start over, re-defining our visions of life from the inside out while knowing we created life from the inside out.

We are safe here, within this intangible world of shared grief. I look forward to hearing all your stories and getting to know your grief journey better.

A common soul,Cara

Show and Tell - or in other words - Sharing and Caring!

For this week's Show and Tell I feel like I am really IN class as I present to you the proposal I've blogged about working on for the last two weeks! But, Mel...before you start handing out grades, please give partial credit to Martha , Klakly , Sara, and Nathansma

for their awesome contributions, guest editors spots, and an extra point or two on their show and tell to the many who sent words of encouragment!

Well, let's back up. It's actually more like an un-assigned book report that became an obesssion. (yeah - I used to do them and yes I am also well aware I was a NERD!) But my nerdy ways have come in handy lately. And I am in NO WAY insinuating that the rest of my contributers were nerds!

As I stated in this post my inquisitory meeting with the head nurse at the childbirth center evolved into a self-driven mission to begin a southern vermont Share group at our little hospital. The mission became a little big for me, so in this other post I enlisted the rest of you, our insanely strong heart-army of dead baby moms, to send me your ideas and suggestions for the proposal. (BTW - IF YOU STILL WANT TO SEND THEM PLEASE DO AND PLEASE JUST EMAIL THEM TO carajer@tds.net CAUSE SOME STUPID PASSPROTECT THIS KEEPS POPPING UP AND I DON'T KNOW WHY OR HOW TO GET RID OF IT...IF YOU DO - EMAIL TOO OK?)


So, my Show and Tell for the week is ....with much fanfare...the cumulative 30 pages of research, personal ideas and heartwrenching moments put together by US! A huge thank you to all of you for opening the doors to the past and your bravery in submitting so other mothers may suffer just an ounce less!

The cover page reads...

Building Heavenly Bridges

Infant Loss and Bereavement

Support and Outreach

Proposal Prepared for Springfield Hospital

And the mission page reads...

Mission:

To enhance the support of bereaved families of the Springfield Hospital community after the death of a child by providing comprehensive and compassionate care with patients and families through support, education, and outreach as a new Share affiliated group. For this proposal “child” is defined as a miscarriage regardless of weekly gestational development, a stillbirth (20 – 40 weeks) or an infant death up to 12 months.

Keep scrolling to see each section and the hospital's last remaining memory box (they have suffered a lot of loss this year - sigh). My husband...yes the gift certificate toting man - is volunteering his time to make 20 more to get them through this year (hopefully - bigger sigh) then will draw up his plans, for in all liklihood he will design his own style, and present it to local wookworking classes along with our mission and they will make them for years to come.

SAMPLE TRI-FOLDS DESIGNATED FOR EARLY-TERM LOSS, MISCARRIAGE, STILLBIRTH DELIVERIES, GRANDPARENTS GRIEF, CHILDREN'S GRIEF AND MORE!

EVERYTHING A HOSPITAL MANAGER WOULD NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE BENEFITS AND COSTS ASSOICATED WITH BECOMING A NEW SHARE GROUP!

WE DID SOME OF THE LEGWORK TO DEMONSTRATE WHICH GRANTS WOULD BE A GOOD MATCH FOR LOCATION AND WHEN THEY ALLOCATE.

THE BULK OF THE PROPOSAL TEXT: 16 PAGES DETAILING THE CHANGES AND ADDITIONS WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE IN THE LOSS PROTOCOL.

THE LAST REMAINING MEMORY BOX (NOT FOR LONG!)

Don't be surprised if you see a virtual donation box someday for the Southern Vermont Share Group! I am committed to making this happen!

That Awwwww Moment!

I never knew "staying home" could be so time consuming! I remember last year, commuting over an hour a day, dropping off kids at the crack of dawn to child care and preschool respectvely after tearing through the house like a madwoman making sure THEY had lunches and snacks, extra clothes, permission slips for nature walks (I know..) and the like, then realizing I forgot MY lunch and rushing back, finally getting to school and walking into the classroom just in the nick of time (or a few minutes late - smile). I used to think, Wow! Imagine what wonderous things I could accomplish if I didn't have to rush out the door. Eight straight hours at home...hmmm...what a luxary that would be!

NEWSFLASH - Luxary, YES! Dull? NO!

I don't have to spin like a top anymore although I still do pack lunches and backpacks on a daily basis. My morning commute is considerably lighter and done at a much slower pace depositing me back, to..ta-da..my doorstep! But my time flies by. (and please don't even bother grinching at me cause you think its laundry I'm getting done...I'm not!)

You already know that when I sit down to write, time disappears..or if you don't, feel free to read this post, but somehow my passion for family support after a loss has morphed, grown, exponentially taken me over (ahhh- its a philathropy monster in the making!)...

My informal meeting with the head childbirth nurse led to a formal 15 page hospital manager's proposal that (as I read it again) almost sounds like I am creating a job for myself. What? Did I need another job? Apparently so, because everything is falling into place (well- pray for the funding) but everything else is!

The book is going great and although it will probably take another six -eight months to complete I know it will be yet another outreach tool to use in my crusade.

Yep - the only thing suffering during this labor crunched, intensive computer work, internet research, crazy proposal writing, blog maintaining time is....MY BODY. I went from a teacher, moving all day with her students to a writer lady hunched over my laptop (I do really try to sit up straight!), clicking at keys all day and hell bent to make a difference even if laying down each night is a series of snaps and pops offered up from my aching body.

(AND NOW FOR THE AWWWW MOMENT ILUDED TO BY THE TITLE OF THIS POST)

So, yesterday my hubby, my sweet and kind and generous hubby walks into the local bakery where I'm working (seriously, I was working! My stuff covered the whole table and yes I did eat a few treats and yes I know how charmed this life is!)...Anyway, he walked in, kissed me and presented me with this-

Yeah! A gift certificate for a one hour, full body totally relaxing massage and The Relaxation Station! He simply said, "I hope this helps" and "Ok, love you...gotta go to work now".

Oh - do I love my husband.

HOUSTON...WE HAVE LIFT OFF

A big H.e.ll.o to all my good friends who expressed interest in the other side of my life...the parenting after loss side.

My new blog is up and running...kind of. I have a disclaimer post for all who come across to look the other way at the sparse trimmings. It will evolve, just as this one did.

So...ta -da-da-da...(drumroll please)
I cordially invite you, whenver you are feeling whimzical, overworked by small fingers pulling on your legs (and ocassionally pinching you - ouch!), much in love with the idea of a child and just all together ready for a laugh.....to visit my NEW BLOG - The Bear and The Comedian!

Incidentally - I have put up a "mulligan post" for those who read Bear's story of Kindergarten love and for those who missed it! (I'll post the UPDATE in a couple days...sorry to keep you hanging but fair is fair - at least that's what I tell the kids all the time!)

So... if you are up for the best love drama this side of the Mississippi (5 year old style that is) ...take a deep breath and click HERE!

STILLBIRTH AWARENESS AND RESEARCH ACT

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the United States.

More than 25,000 children are stillborn in the United States every year leaving mothers, entire families and communities devastated. Estimates of the rate of occurrence of stillbirth make it at least as common as autism.


Stillbirth is not an intractable problem. Greater research would likely significantly reduce its incidence, but good research requires good data.

H.R. 5979: Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act is under consideration by Congress.

This proposed bill would standardize stillbirth investigation and diagnosis, thus providing more data for the needed research. Better research means fewer children born still.On October 15th, remember the thousands of unfinished children lost and the families who remain to grieve them. Honor them by taking action.

Let's help pass H.R. 5979!

Action Steps:


Step 1. Use Your Blog to Enlist Others-Copy the contents of this entire post and publish it on your blog immediately.GOAL: Enlist 10 of your readers to spread the word


Step 2. Use Your E-mail to Enlist Others-E-mail 5 bloggers and ask them (nicely and in an unspammy way) to publish these action steps on their blog. Consider contacting celebrity bloggers, political bloggers, medical bloggers, or bloggers who are not part of your reading community.

GOAL: Enlist 3 bloggers outside of your normal blog sphere to spread the word in other online communities.

Step 3. Help Pass the Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act-By October 15th, publish a post on your blog supporting H.R. 5979 Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act.

For maximum impact, title your post: "Stillbirth Awareness and Research Act."GOAL: 1,000,000 Google results on October 15th when that term is searched for. Currently, Google only returns 20,400 pages - most of which have nothing to do with the bill.

Step 4. Click on the graph chart on my site and copy / paste the code to your own!

Who Are We?

Ok - so the votes are in and tallied. However, like all voting systems (yeah, I'm not even going to go there!), this one feels skewed.

The question was... Who do you represent? (in connection to your loss, that is) And the multiple choice options were pretty simple, a question of identity really: mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, or other.

So - here are the results after 25 days and 330 profile visitors (ok - I know that's subjective too...)

(drumroll please!)

23 votes!!!!! Revealing a not so shocking ratio of 91% mothers visiting and actually voting on the poll.

(No one can see you so if you are one of the 307 others who came but didn't vote...raise your hand, higher...thanks.)

Seriously, just kidding.

My heartfelt thanks for coming and I'm so sorry for your loss however you are affected by it. Please come back whenever you feel the need. Don't feel the need to comment until you are ready, then know I will always return your outreach through your own blog, or email if you don't currently have one.

And just to show that I am not complete rule and statistic bound (yeah right) I am going to take an educated guess and predict that the majority of the unaccounted for visitors are also...mothers of babes who have passed on. (you know I have prophetic tendencies, right?)

We really are the the bravest ones, you know, forced to start over, re-defining our visions of life from the inside out while knowing we created life from the inside out.

We are safe here, within this intangible world of shared grief. I look forward to hearing all your stories and getting to know your grief journey better.


A common soul,


Cara