THE MISSION

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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Sunday, July 19, 2009

Perfect Moment Monday - A Pregnant Pause (UPDATED)

WELCOME ICLW-ERS! THERE IS MUCH GOING ON HERE AT BHB IN THE LAST WEEK AFTER, WHAT NOW SEEMS A STRANGE CONCERN I HAD ABOUT LACK OF WRITING TIME. IF YOU ARE NEW ON THE GRIEVING JOURNEY YOU MIGHT FIND AN ODD KIND OF COMFORT IN MY "BACK-TO-THE-BEGINNING SERIES". PART ONE IS RECENT, MY FIRST TIME BACK TO THE JOURNAL I WROTE DIRECTLY AFTER EMMA DIED. WHAT FOLLOWS HERE IS PRESENT DAY MUSINGS...

UPDATE- TUESDAY, JULY 21ST: ELIJAH ARRIVED AT 11PM LAST NIGHT AND A CUTE COMEDIAN STORY, AS WELL AS PICS OF THE BABE ARE AT THE OTHER BLOG. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR COMMENTS AND WELL WISHES. MOMMA AND BABY ARE FINE, TIRED - BUT FINE.
***

Emma wasn't just my firstborn. She was the first grandchild on both sides.

One year, one month later my nephew was born.

I was ambivalent about the birth. I was jealous. I was simultaneously happy, incandesced, angry, excited, nervous and anxious to meet him.

It just so happened I was spending the night at my friend's house because our evening class had run late. The phone rang, "Hey babe" Jer said, "Just thought you'd want to know that she had the baby and...it's a boy." I had hoped, no - prayed and begged for that. Somehow it will make it less painful...I told myself.


It didn't.

After hanging up the phone I was engulfed in a tidal wave of tears. The wracking, full-body-reaction kind of sobbing that makes a puppet out of you. My puppeteer, a rocking chair, seemingly moving of its own accord: back and forth, back and forth, back and forth; if only to remind me that I still exisited. Through it all my friend said all the right words, stroking my hand, allowing my emotions.


Not one's typical reaction to the miracle of birth.

It could have been that his birth was so close to her first birthday.

It might have been that I, even though I wasn't exactly 'trying' on account of my general state of puddle-on-the-floor-mushiness I'd existed in for the last year, wished it were me giving birth; suffering through painful contractions with the end in sight -- a live baby.

It could have been the flashbacks it brought on, the new wave on intense longing for my baby girl, or the fact that this baby was fawned over while mine was invisible, and consequently -- rarely spoken of.

I suppose it was all of the above. Whatever the emotional cocktail, the result was I spent little time with my nephew in his younger years. I wonder if, without intending to, I resented him for re-taking the 'top spot'.

After that, my sister and law and I took turns, annually having a baby so that the school system has reason to raise their eyebrows each year and say, "Another from the Tyrrell-clan starting this year?"

Today*, my second nephew is making his way into the world.

The four cousins slept together last night, a perfectly content ladder of children ages 7,6,5 and 4. By days end, the last of the T-clan will have pushed his way into our family.


Today I am excited, anxious, jump every time the phone rings, in love with idea of another, grateful to have these kids in my home, and filled with an indescribable kind of peace every time our family's second-first born looks into my eyes and calls me, "Aunt Cara".


He remembers nothing of my ambivalence. He only knows I love him and his sister, and - of course - the little boy we hope to meet before the sun sets.


A perfect moment to be sure. Click back for all the rest.


*- And, on his actual due-date. How rare is that?

18 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

Another very familiar post, Cara. Not with a relative, but a close friend, and not 1 year and 1 month later, but 5 months later. And a baby girl, and that did make it sting. But all so familiar nonetheless....

Kristin said...

How wonderful!

Salma said...

Cara,

Haven't been there but I am going there very soon...my sister is due in September...I have 2 girls and was waiting for my boy...she has a son and is waiting for her daughter. We joked that we were finally going to be complete...as Hope's Mama says, that does make it sting.

Michelle said...

Well Congratulations on the soon to be or maybe already is new nephew! I know exactly what you are talking about here. My sister was pregnant at the same time as my 1st and 3rd loss. It was tough but luckily they have no idea how broken up I was when I heard. I loved them but it hurt!

Parenthood For Me said...

What a journey you have been on.

Lavender Luz said...

You have traveled far on your road of healing.

Lorza said...

That is a great post. How wonderfully said.

kerri said...

what a great post. it brings tears to my eyes.

Liddy said...

Wonderfully written and said.

I had to laugh about the alternating having children every other year for the school district. I grew up with all of my cousins (I am one of 47- my dad and mum come VERY large families) in the same town. I was the first born after a seven year hiatus. When my mum registered me for school the secretary said, "I thought we were done with this clan."

Stopping by for an ICLW visit...
No. 95: The Unfair Struggle (male-factor infertility, good friends, neighborhood rumblings)

Once A Mother said...

I can so relate to this post. My sister is expecting a baby exactly one year and one month after my one month old child died. I am not proud of the way this makes me feel, the jealousy, the hurt, almost like she has betrayed me in some way. It's not fair of me and I know it, she deserves her happy family. Sometimes you I can't help it though, I just throw my hands up to God and scream, when is it going to be my turn for happiness. This post really, really spoke to me.

theworms said...

Great post and Congrats Auntie :)

ICLW

Lisa RM said...

Congratulations to all!

Billy said...

Congratulations!
(ICLW)

Wishing 4 One said...

Wow everytime is more amazing than the last for me when i visit you.... ICLW

MAJ Bryen said...

I feel that loss acutely when I hear about pregnancy. Well said, I can relate

Echloe said...

Thank you thank you for sharing this. I really hope that I can one day look at my nephews with the same love. Right now, being the mommy of a child not here, I still resent their presence.

Katie said...

I understand the sadness. I told my super duper fertile sister in law if she got pregnant again (on accident, again) before I did I would never speak to her again. Totally irrational, but how can I help it?!
Happy ICLW

Beautiful Mess said...

Happy ICLW!

Congratulations on the new baby boy!

I'm glad you were able to get through you emotional cocktail that night and the rest of them. I can't imagine how hard that was for you. You have a wonderful support system. Because of them, you are who you are today. A beautiful, courageous and honest woman.
*HUGS*

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