THE MISSION

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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Show and Tell - An Unexpected Beginning

I have a terrible memory. A really terrible memory. I'm not particularly forgetful, its more that I seem never to register the event in the first place. Add to that, that I am just now learning to live in the moment, recognize it for what it is and smile as I watch it happen, and the question has to be asked: What happened to all those moments from the past? How did I live them and not stash away even a few of the pieces to look back on later?


I'm able to make sense of these intentional omissions as they relate to what happened in the days and months after Emma died, but all those other childhood tales, early adult adventures, and just plain fun random moments...where did they go?


In fact, I have to wonder what I am really missing thanks to my amnesiac tendencies. I know they earn me many cocked heads paired with shocked expressions when I admit to my friends that I truly don't recall the fun night out they just recounted.


Today, I was the one shocked, no - baffled, by my lack of recollection.


***

I opened the journal. I expected to find mid-September 2000 lamentations on paper questioning why my daughter had to die and who should I blame for the 'fluke' tragedy. I was prepared to find profanities scrawled across the page and dark random pen patterns representing the black hole that my heart had become overnight. I know it's in there. I never made it that far, for these were tucked inside the cover.

Eyebrows furrowed at a stack of rather ordinary index cards, and mildly irritated as I mused how they could have been put into Emma's Journal, I started thumbing through.



Clever, Love, Active, Intelligent, Really Sweet, Exceptional


Curious, Loveable, Adventurous, Irresistible, Regal, Expectant


Courageous, Loveable, Affectionate, Innocent, Rambunctious, Entertaining


Cherished, Loved, Admired, Intelligent, Respected, Energetic


Card after card listed these loving attributes, vertically, predicting the life experience of my second-first born: CLAIRE.


And then there were the little notes on the back and they were signed by friends, family, former co-workers...all the people that were at Bear's shower!


The clues merged leaving one obvious solution - it was a game played at our 'transition shower'. But, try as I might I cannot recall it happening. In fact, I don't ever remember seeing these cards before. Not once. Not even to tuck them into Emma's journal.


Perhaps I was too busy emotionally letting go of one to welcome another. Even still. *sigh*

Here are a few more for you to enjoy before you check out what the rest of the class is sharing.


Charismatic, Lovely, Autonomous, Ingenious, Rare, Everything you want to be... (Auntie D)


Caressable, Lullabyable, Adorable, Irresistible, Rejoiceable, Embraceable (from Papa)


Cuddly, Lovable, Apple of my Eye, Inquisitive, Rambunctious, Energetic (from Nana)


She is all this, and more - much, much more and we were just guessing, really. So, here's one for you Emma.


Empathetic

Mild

Mama's Girl

Alluring


What does your name stand for? Your baby's name? Has your personality acronym shifted, before and after IF, before and after loss?

7 comments:

Michelle said...

Wow that is really an unexpected gift to have received upon open the journal you've been dreading. That is a neat game. To be able, so may years later to look back. That is nice.

When we had the shower for my nephew we passed out birthday cards and each person did a car for one of his first 18 birthdays. For me it is one of the highlights of his birthday to see what each person wrote and it is also nice for him because some will not be around when he gets older.

Kristin said...

I honestly have never thought out a personality acronym. So, I don't know what mine would be.

But, what a delightful and unexpected find.

Another Dreamer said...

Wow, that was really unexpected. It's strange how things can sometimes do that; show up and appear in the randomest places.

I've never really bothered with figuring my name meaning out, and how it's shifted. One, my name is pretty long. And two, over the years, as much as my life has changed, essentially I am still the same person. A little sadder, a little more learned, but in my heart I have remained the same.

Mrs. Gamgee said...

Maybe it's the hormones (AF is in full swing), but I was reading your post and I just started to blubber. What a beautiful unexpected surprise! What a treasure!

kate said...

What a nice memory to find.

My personal acronym has definitely shifted, but it was actually the treatment for PCOS (which I found that I had long before I actually started trying to conceive) that caused the most vast change.

I am a classic high-androgen-level PCOSer, and metfo.rmin brought my androgen levels down to normal, and wouldn't you know? With the decrease in testosterone, I was suddenly able to be so much calmer, so much less wound-up about things, much less aggressive.

So pre-PCOS treatment, I would say:
K- Kind (but can't show it because I HATE the world)
A- Aggressive
T- Threatened
E- Exhausted

And after:
K-Kind (and hopefully others get a chance to find that out!)
A- Assertive
T- Thoughtful
E- Elated

A very thought-inducing post!

Lavender Luz said...

I imagine this would be very helpful in grieving a named loss. It's a beautiful tribute to what was, what might have been, what is eternally.

Beautiful Mess said...

How beautiful! I love that you happened upon these beautiful words and you get to feel that feeling again. Especially since you can't remember seeing them before.
*HUGS*

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