I'm able to make sense of these intentional omissions as they relate to what happened in the days and months after Emma died, but all those other childhood tales, early adult adventures, and just plain fun random moments...where did they go?
In fact, I have to wonder what I am really missing thanks to my amnesiac tendencies. I know they earn me many cocked heads paired with shocked expressions when I admit to my friends that I truly don't recall the fun night out they just recounted.
Today, I was the one shocked, no - baffled, by my lack of recollection.
I opened the journal. I expected to find mid-September 2000 lamentations on paper questioning why my daughter had to die and who should I blame for the 'fluke' tragedy. I was prepared to find profanities scrawled across the page and dark random pen patterns representing the black hole that my heart had become overnight. I know it's in there. I never made it that far, for these were tucked inside the cover.
Eyebrows furrowed at a stack of rather ordinary index cards, and mildly irritated as I mused how they could have been put into Emma's Journal, I started thumbing through.
Clever, Love, Active, Intelligent, Really Sweet, Exceptional
Curious, Loveable, Adventurous, Irresistible, Regal, Expectant
Courageous, Loveable, Affectionate, Innocent, Rambunctious, Entertaining
Cherished, Loved, Admired, Intelligent, Respected, Energetic
Card after card listed these loving attributes, vertically, predicting the life experience of my second-first born: CLAIRE.
And then there were the little notes on the back and they were signed by friends, family, former co-workers...all the people that were at Bear's shower!
The clues merged leaving one obvious solution - it was a game played at our 'transition shower'. But, try as I might I cannot recall it happening. In fact, I don't ever remember seeing these cards before. Not once. Not even to tuck them into Emma's journal.
Perhaps I was too busy emotionally letting go of one to welcome another. Even still. *sigh*
Here are a few more for you to enjoy before you check out what the rest of the class is sharing.
Charismatic, Lovely, Autonomous, Ingenious, Rare, Everything you want to be... (Auntie D)
Caressable, Lullabyable, Adorable, Irresistible, Rejoiceable, Embraceable (from Papa)
Cuddly, Lovable, Apple of my Eye, Inquisitive, Rambunctious, Energetic (from Nana)
She is all this, and more - much, much more and we were just guessing, really. So, here's one for you Emma.
What does your name stand for? Your baby's name? Has your personality acronym shifted, before and after IF, before and after loss?