Shifting

I awoke this morning to find my husband's lips on my cheek. As if in a commercial, the smell of strong coffee wafted through the room. "Bear's had breakfast and Comedian's still sleeping" he said, "I have to go. Love you - hope today is better."

After listening to the sound of his engine dissapear I lingered for a few minutes more. I opened my eyes. Yes, something is a bit brighter today. I realized with minor shock.

I walked downstairs to find Bear calm, happy, surrounded by her barbies and spinning a 'lets pretend' story in song. perfect

My coffee waited for me, just a bit of milk, no sugar. perfect

A few responses from yesterday's show and tells waited for me with love and support and countless hugs. thank you

An idea hits me: perhaps I'll do a load of laundry today, or pay some bills, or finally go shopping in my closet to find a dress for that wedding we are going to tommorrow.

I do so love weddings. They are love and hope and promise all spun into one beautiful day, finished by good food, good drink, and a spin or two around the dance floor.

Could it be, be purging my emotion I've been granted a brief haitus from this grief? I try on my old meditation mantra.

I will embrace this day, I will create this day, I will enjoy this day for what it is.

I'll let you know -- but so far so good. Have to go put the girls eggs on a plate. Yes, I actually cooked eggs. See? Good signs.

Life Terminology

Do you Effectively Multi-task OR Neglect Effectively?

Personally, I don't think there is much inherent lingusitic derivation between these two phrases. I mean, I thought I was doing the former with grace, maybe even style - micro-managing the countless focuses of my life: the dropping off to school, creating a column worth reading, the house, the seasonal switch of car tires, the food, the laundry, this blog and, of course, the non-profit that has become my life.

In fact, yesterday during the whirlwhind that was our memory walk (note: I hope the only person that felt whirwindish was me...) when I was being approached with linguistic questions both in person and over that confundeled walkie-talkie thing (why on earth do they say 'roger'? - seriously), my dad heard someone say, "Women can multi task, Men can't."

Of course this statement could be debated for I know a great many men who do numerous things at the same time, but regardless of the gender overextending themselves, my question stands: Effectively multi-tasking or Neglecting effectively?

Twenty-four hours after the most intensive event I have ever planned (with much help!) I am forced to admit I have done the latter, perhaps - with just a little of the afore mentioned 'grace' and, maybe even a smidge of 'style' - maybe.

And before you start pumping me up with accalaids and emotional cheers - know that this is a plain fact, not a self-degregating statment. The facts are clear:

• My car is a mess - again - in record time
• Dishes sit in the sink
• Piles of laundry seem to pop up around my house: needing to be washed, needing to be hung, needing to be folded, begging to be put in drawers (um..yeah - right)
• My exercise cd sits, figurative eyebrows raised, where I laid it...5 days ago - or something
• My husband says things like, "I feel like I haven't seen you in a week"
• My fridge is pretty bare
• My kids, *sigh*, I miss them and they are right here
• My google reader mocks me as I hope you haven't felt neglected too

Even my body is crashing, a not-so-slow deescallation of all the muscles that cranked themselves tighter and tighter all week long. It's acually painful. I didn't expect that.

See, this tightrope I walked for the last week, trying not to mis-step or the food might not all be there or the port-a-potty was missing, or would the generator power the mic without over powering it...has affected every part of my life. And, of course it would.

But the part I really didn't expect was the 'after'. I couldn't sleep last night. Well, I crashed...then at 1am awoke out of a sound sleep and couldn't go back. The thoughts of who I forgot to thank and recognize, the 'what we will do differently next year's, and the haunting image of a woman I never saw but was told - arrived late and left early - did we upset her more than comfort?

Be assured there will be more posts about the highlights of our day. Pictures and videos will come, when I get them. It was a very affirming and successful day and I do feel that the all-encompassion life-debris was all worth it. I just need to acknowledge it. And, so there is a chance I might be able to get some sleep tonight...

Thank you to ALL the volunteers that gave their time and energy, manning tables, babysitting the kids tent, blowing up balloons, taking picutres, capturing video, and breaking down.

Thank you to my amazing, astoundingly gorgeous husband and his 'always there' loyal cousin who single (or double) handedly erected and broke down five tents, six tables, built a performance platform, set up and manned the sound system, and said all those cute, but totally over my head things over the walkie talkies. This event would not have happened without you.

Thank you to every single brave person who came, cried, smiled, laughed, hugged, and shared their story. Your children are well loved and well remembered.

Thank you the beautiful gang of children we had, who even in the midst of tears frolliced in the green grass amidst a sea of yellow dandelions. You were such a welcome sight. We live for you.

And, Thank you to all our angel babies for filling us - eventually - with equal measures of longing and inspiration. Because of your short lives we change the world.

*Phew* - That feels better. Time to do laundry, and dishes, and play with my kids, and kiss my husband, and go food shopping and...

Show And Tell - Holy Cannoli!

That's what I fell out of my mouth as I opened the Rutland Herald this morning to the "magazine section".

The staff writer had called me to shore up a couple quotes the other day, so I knew it was going to be in the Sunday edition, but I wasn't ready for THIS!

I have to admit, after writing my own article for the smaller local papers about Share Southern Vermont, I was concerned that someone else was writing about me and our group. With the wisdom that only grief gives us I banished the "what-ifs" and dove into the article.

It is wonderfully written. I am like a new mother today who just delivered a screaming healthy baby -- Today, I truly believe that our outreach is real. And in 10 days the sad proof will be sitting with me in a conference room sharing our stories.

A few thank you's:

• Thank you Sara for bringing my attention to Share and reminding me that I don't always have to re-invent the wheel.



• Thank you Dora for supporting me in this endeavor in so many ways, most recently with the hat-raffle.
  


• Thank you Kristin - you know why.
  


• Thank you Mel for micro-managing the blogosphere so well that we are all listed in one place. (and for enduring all my book related questions)
  


• Thank you to ALL who have donated, both here in my real-life world and from blogland. You mean so very much to me.**
  


• Thank you Carol for taking the better part of an evening to answer my endless questions about start up! And thank you for the amazing work you do in Northhampton. (I'm not done with my questions...just saving them up for my visit!)
  


• And, there is no way to thank Martha enough. She connected to this mission from 3000 miles away. She became my "West Coast Publicist". She is the one who emailed the Rutland Herald. Thank you Martha! Without you this article would never have happened.

PS - I ALREADY got a call from a sketch artist / wood burning artist who is willing to volunteer his services to personalize the boxes for each family!

** A brief explanation. Although I tried my best to convey to Josh (the writer) the mutually exclusive relationship between my face-to-face outreach and the emotional family we have in the computer, I don't think he really got it. How could he, really? It is the only part of the article that I cringed at.

** Oh - and he missed a word in the book title: After Emma: One Mother's Journey of Self-Discovery Through Grieving The Loss Of Her Baby.

Time

Time is fleeting.
Time knows no boundaries.
Time flies.
Time is a manner of perspective.
The Universe loves speed.

It most certainly does.

I feel like I have know all of you forever. I see your screen name and immediately can sense your emotions, recall your baby's names and b/d dates, and am filled with an anticipation to read your next post.

I follow IF'ers who are currently TTC. I cry with you at one pink line. I rejoice with you for two. I pray and worry with you for a healthy pregnancy and a screaming baby.

I found the courage to reach out and ask for help, fundraising help that is, to start my SHARE Southern Vermont group- and you are responding...big time! (Did you look at the ticker today?) In the note I received today, my sweet friend wrote, "Emma is shining upon you. You have truly found your calling." Thank you - for your kind words, for your generous donation and for your strength of heart as you brave this world without your son.

These are deep connections. I don't even know what most of you look like and it doesn't matter. We have connected on the basest of levels. Motherhood, grief, heartbreak, emotion, creativity, purpose, and the deisire to make this world easier for others who suffer. These are indicators of life long friendships.

I started my blog on September 1st.

I have known you for 10 weeks.

I am stunned. 10 weeks: the beginning of a new life, a summer vacation, a good weight loss regiment. And you and I have founded a life-long friendship in 10 weeks. This is the power of God, the power of the Universe, the power of a shared motivation.

I look at my blog, it's sidebar, pictures, and googles of comments - and it feels homey. It is my other home where being a dbm is accepted, embraced and supported - whatever I feel that day.

So, thank you - to each and every one of you, whether you read and cry - or -read and comment (then cry). You are the reason I am here. You are the reason Emma led me here.

Exhale - Then take a deep breath and...

Scream With Me! Ok - an excited face and a big "WOW" would be fine!

I am starting to think that (cue the dramatic music with a deep voice over)...If you type it - it will happen!

For those of you that read both my blogs, you may have been tickled by the first edition of Thoughtful Thursday : The Comedian's idle stream-of-concsiousness thoughts on... just about anything! If you haven't read it, click over - she's nearly four and hillarious!

Anyhoo...The comment thread included this inquiry: "Can I be president of her fan club?"

To which I responded, "Ok- let's not put the cart before the horse ladies! The Comedian gets her own fan club AFTER I get published!"

Well, Dora, you better get organizing, because I'M GETTING PUBLISHED!!!

Did any of you get it? The title for the post, I mean? YES! I sent in a column proposal and they accepted it immediately. My column is etitled, Life After Loss: Healing Truths To Meditate On I'm so freakin' excited, can you tell?

If you haven't heard about the new magazine yet, then please click over to EXHALE and read their byline - it's priceless to the infertility / loss community.

Thanks for your devoted support and come the New Year...I'll be peeking at you through a column!

Memory Making- Then and Now

I love scrapbooking. I revel in the feeling of taking bits and pieces from our lives and putting them together to tell a story - OUR story! A few years ago, I became a Cr.eat.ive Me.mori.es consultant. It was my job to "teach" scrapbooking. For me, that read, "It is your job to INSPIRE others" to do a number of things:

1. To get their 2,000 pictures out from under the bed.
2. To start with their most recent photos, so the stories came easily
3. But, most importantly, I was responsible for helping others create life long memories.

The one thing I NEVER loved was taking their money. Obviously I paid money for the product and had to make it back, but I found myself donating products to silent auctions, creating scrapbooks for wakes and funerals, and saying, "just take it" more than a successful business woman really should. I would watch my upline drive all over New -England to further her mission and was struck. She had a consistant income as a result of her efforts and those of us below her. She could have sat back, picked up the remote and channel surfed as we were out teaching parties. But she didn't. She continued working hard to grow, harder, I think, than when I first met her.

I feel in a very similar space right now. Once again I feel like I am being called to be with others, grieve with new parents, and inspire them to take their first step on their healing road. And - Once again, I feel a nagging ache in my gut that I had to ask for donations to do it. I am going to leave the ticker up, for now, but am actively looking for alternatives.

As a way to keep myself accountable - to you - the people who cheer me on with love, prayers , suggesstions, and dollars, here is my current to-do list:

• Make contact with the leader of the Northhampton Share group.
• Write a state grant to cover some start up expenses and travel costs assoicated with going to the convention in March
• Search the internet for any wealthy benefactors who are looking to support family's after the death of a child
• Extend offers to speak to local woman's groups
• Send Infomational flyers to local home care and hospices
• Contact the head nurse at the childbirth center and be sure she is still planning on handing out my card to families
• Finish the Memory Box Prototype and gather mateials. We are planning on donating the boxes regardless. Families deserve it.

Thanks again to all of you (and Kristin I'm still intruiged!) . I just wanted to let you know I have not given up. I will be working hard to make this happen.

Reading and Writing

On September 1st I started this blog. Today is September 13th and I struggle to imagine it has only been twelve days since I became this 'blogger'. Honestly, On August 25th I didn't even know what a 'blog' was and six days later, through a friends need, I read my first one. (Yes - that is why I have an annoucement in red for first time bloggers! I didn't know you read from the bottom up!)



But here I am, two weeks later, thinking, acting, and creating like a real-life-rootin-tootin ...blogger! And my deepest emotion is gratitude. I am so grateful to finally find the place I searched for eight years ago (and MAN DID I SEARCH!) packed with women who "get it" so deeply they ofter have answers that the so-called professionals seemed stumped by. I am insanely blessed to find a network of women who live and grieve, cry and revel in their children ( both dead and alive), and most of all - I LOVE that anything goes. I love that one day you can be internal and introspective and people are good with that, but then next you can rage about some injustice that the world has done you just because you have three kids, but one doesn't eat at your dinner table.



I intend to introduce myslef to at least two new blogs a week until my sidebar is "chaulk full" with inspiration blogs. I am not shy... acutally I am probably one of the most outgoing people you will ever meet...and, therefore I am eager to comment and be commented!



If you haven't read my story from the beginning I take this opportunity to give you brief...low down. I am 32 years old, Emma's birthday is September 8th - she is 8 years old, Bear is 5 1/2 and The Comedian is 3 1/2. My husband is a contracter by day and a sustainable living organic farmer by night (by that I mean in his heart and dreams). I am a myrid of things and I am starting to think there is not enought time in this life to accomplish all I would like to. But for the moment, I am a mother and a writer. I am currrently writing an intimate memoir about my expeience from conception to birth and thereafter. So, eventually I imagine, you will all know WAY MORE about me than you ever wanted to. But, there it is. My current mission is to touch every bleeding heart I can with a message of "it sucks, but there is hope" (obviously I write a bit more in an elloquent manner) - but, ah-ha...yet ANOTHER reason why I love blogging.



So..THANK YOU for allowing me into your bloggorific world! I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you, your stories, your strifes and your successes. The tangibility of these connections is almost incomprehensible, but - so is what has happed to us and that, more than anything, is why we need each other.