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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Friday, November 21, 2008

The First Snow

It’s happening. The first snow. Isn’t it funny, that the first of anything is gorgeous, beauty without measure?

The first kick within our womb
The first steps before they take over our world
The first day of Kindergarten
The first recital
The first time you drive a new car
The first kiss
The first success
Their first real love

For me, it’s the first snow. It’s stunning. The snowflakes flip and swirl, landing on the ground with near intention. I can still see the grass, playing peek-a-book under the thin blanket of white. A funnel of perfection, for each flake has a personality all its own. Each is designed independent of the others. One hits my window and I see its angles, it’s pattern and take solace in knowing that it has many brothers and sisters, but none just like it.

Are there identical twins in a snowstorm? I don’t know. But I love knowing that Bear and The Comedian are here, in my arms, in my life, and in my lap as we watch a movie for the twentieth time. And yet, it is overwhelmingly comforting to know that Emma was not them, is not them, and could never be her sisters. And therefore, I cannot torture myself by looking for her in their reflections, actions or words.

They are sisters, born of the same snowstorm, but never the same. They carry their own designs, their own patterns and always will. I don’t know Emma’s design, her hair color, her eye color, or her whims and idiosyncrasies – but I know not to look here, in this world for them. Instead, I feel her. I allow her to exist in my heart and soul. I let her lead me in my actions. Emma designs my purpose.

The first snow is like my first child; peaceful, calm, quiet and soft. Stunning in her perfection.
(For a perfect demonstration of an "opposite sister design", click HERE)


Michelle said...

This is so BEAUTIFUL!!!!

junebug said...

I love the first snow. You're whole post is right on. I'm looking forward to our first snow (literally and figuratively). :-)
Here via ICLW.

Dora said...

Beautiful post.

Seriously? - Erin said...

Here from ICLW. That is a lovely thought. The first snow is so beautiful and claming. I am looking forward to our first real snow this year and my first child this winter.

alicia said...

wow, very beautiful post. I also love the first snow. thanks for sharing.

here from ICLW

nh said...

I love that first fall of snow (not that we get that much). The look of untouched snow; it looks so fresh and that anything is possible.


MrsSpock said...

We had our first snow here too. I love your snowflake analogy.

Martha said...

Beautiful post, makes me pine for snow. Well, at least until I have to go anywhere in it of course.

Malky B. said...

What a moving post! My first born looked so much like my daughter it's hard not to think they would be so alike.

Here from ICLW.

Hope's Mama said...

This is beautiful Cara. Summer seems to have gone on holidays here for the time being. It is cold, it has been raining for two days and it is dark and gloomy outside. Almost like an........
August Day, when I was waiting for my baby to arrive. It is now November, the cusp of Summer, and I'm still waiting.

Clio said...

Touching post.
Thank you for stopping by, and so giving me a chance to find your blogs. You do a beautiful job of offering so much of yourself, sharing you life and your stories and helping others who have known this grief to connect.

Stacie said...

Firsts are beautiful. I do love this post. Very moving!

Here from ICLW

Kymberli said...

So beautiful.


BethH6703 said...


I've always felt a sense of cleansing in the first snow. Cleansing the earth, cleansing my soul. It's always very peaceful for me.

Your words are so beautiful, so moving.

Peace to you.

Dreams Come True said...

What a beautiful post.

Lani said...

I love this post - it seems appropriate as I'm really coming to terms with the fact that my sweet little first born Silas won't ever be with us. I want to thank you Cara for your endless support and your beautiful thoughts.

Andrea said...

This post is beautiful in so many ways-your love for Bear & The Comedian, the way you love Emma without comparing her to your other children, & our love of the first snow. Thanks for sharing. Thinking of you, DH, Emma, Bear, & The Comedian.


nancy said...

growing up in phoenix, I never really understood the snow. And 12 years ago, I moved here to colorado and I've learned to love it. My favorite part is the first time there is enough snow that I hear that "crunch" underfoot when I walk. When it's totally quiet outside and those steps are all I can hear. There's nothing like it to me.

In Due Time said...

There is just something about the first snow. Im in Florida now, so I doubt it will head down here any time soon!

Over from ICLW!

sara said...

What a beautiful reference to the first snow. I am filled with peace when I see the first snow come down. It's so fresh and crisp and clean. It's like it's filled with promise. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful entry and thanks for all of your kind comments over the last few weeks! ICLW

Anonymous said...

I love the first snow!


Kristin said...

What a beautiful post. YOU have such a talent for evoking emotion with your writing.

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