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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Monday, December 15, 2008

Parenting a child in heaven

I said this to my husband the other day. Well, acutally I said - "It feels so good to be parenting ALL our kids this year."

He looked at me like I had just said I would be going skydiving next week - naked.

"What?" I asked.
"Nothing." He replied

But his nothing said plenty. I sat and thought with my meditation music on the headphones.

He has been so on board with the development of this Share group. He volunteered to make the memory boxes and has even been enjoying it. He has listened to me talk about each step and stage of the set up. It was his idea to go as a family this year to pick Emma's ornament. He talks about her more than he has in the last eight years - in public even.

Have I mis-interpreted his emotional involvement in celebrating Emma this year?

I asked him as much. "Yes." He said, with a sweet smile on his face. "I guess you have."

The fact that I didn't break down into tears is a clear indicator of how much I needed to have this conversation with him.

He went on, "This is your project. This is your mission and I support you completely. You have always had a real connection with Emma. You carried her for nine months. You delivered her and you focused on grieving like it was a job. I have my moments, but they are private and not all that often. I'm celebrating you this year."

I stared at him. I wasn't upset. I finally understood. He loves me. He supports me and through this - he honors Emma, his daughter. I get it - at least for us, Cara and Jeremiah - I get it. Long ago I accepted that we grieve differently. I allowed him his road while I walked mine.

But, three months ago, unconsciously, I thought our roads had merged. That we finally walked, hand in hand, while staring up at the sky in unison toward our angel in heaven. I was wrong. That isn't possible, but I was right about the merge in the road.

Three months ago, my road merged with yours - and you get it. When I say, "It feels good to parent Emma this year" - you totally get it.

Thank you.


Kristin said...

Yes, we get it. And, I'm glad your husband supports you even though he views it differently.

Michelle said...

Your husband sounds like a great man! He is very supportive of you and that makes a huge difference. And yes I totally get it!

Dora said...

So glad you had that talk. Good for both of you. xoxo

Barbara said...

I have nothing but admiration for both of you for your honesty with each other and your acceptance of your differences.

I get it too.


Hope's Mama said...

This is just lovely Cara.

Martha said...

The journey is different for each of us. I'm glad you and Jeremiah can hold each other's hands while you walk this road.

Lori said...

What's remarkable is not only that he supports you but that you acknowledge it, even if it looks different than your ideal.

Nice post.

Bec said...

Thankyou for pointing my in the direction of this post. It makes so much sense, I think I needed to read it.

Coffeegrl said...

I am looking for today's Blogger Bingo winner and stumbled across this post - I love that Blogger Bingo is spurring me to dig around in the archives of bloggers - both new and old favorites. Anyway, I saw this and thought it was just so very poetic. There isn't a bingo category for poetic or touching post, but that's how I would describe this. Beautiful, beautiful, bittersweet sentiments.

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