Parenting a child in heaven

I said this to my husband the other day. Well, acutally I said - "It feels so good to be parenting ALL our kids this year."

He looked at me like I had just said I would be going skydiving next week - naked.

"What?" I asked.
"Nothing." He replied

But his nothing said plenty. I sat and thought with my meditation music on the headphones.

He has been so on board with the development of this Share group. He volunteered to make the memory boxes and has even been enjoying it. He has listened to me talk about each step and stage of the set up. It was his idea to go as a family this year to pick Emma's ornament. He talks about her more than he has in the last eight years - in public even.

Have I mis-interpreted his emotional involvement in celebrating Emma this year?

I asked him as much. "Yes." He said, with a sweet smile on his face. "I guess you have."

The fact that I didn't break down into tears is a clear indicator of how much I needed to have this conversation with him.

He went on, "This is your project. This is your mission and I support you completely. You have always had a real connection with Emma. You carried her for nine months. You delivered her and you focused on grieving like it was a job. I have my moments, but they are private and not all that often. I'm celebrating you this year."

I stared at him. I wasn't upset. I finally understood. He loves me. He supports me and through this - he honors Emma, his daughter. I get it - at least for us, Cara and Jeremiah - I get it. Long ago I accepted that we grieve differently. I allowed him his road while I walked mine.

But, three months ago, unconsciously, I thought our roads had merged. That we finally walked, hand in hand, while staring up at the sky in unison toward our angel in heaven. I was wrong. That isn't possible, but I was right about the merge in the road.

Three months ago, my road merged with yours - and you get it. When I say, "It feels good to parent Emma this year" - you totally get it.

Thank you.