Moments

Some days I have moments and some days I don't. The hard part is I never know, if it is a moment kind of day, what variety it will be. There are many kinds: bittesweet, introspective smiling moments, rip my heart out moments, oh-look at what good job I'm doing parenting moments, wow-I really have built a sisterly bridge moments, and the worst kind - the WHAT IF moments.

They don't haunt me like they used to - a constant shadow ready to attack at any part of my day, sent by invisible triggers and only banished by a good cry and a forced replay of the worn road I've travelled too many times in my mind. What if I had reacted when I felt excessive movement? What if I had forced the doctor to induce on my due date? What if I had actually listened my gut instinct the FIRST time? What if ---If Then --- I Wonder.

They used to crucify me on a daily basis. I'd get lost in their circular madness, spinning with their almost believable hypotheses to the point of dissiness. In this state, anything was possible. Changing time was possible. Going back in time...ah - now what good idea, then I could ...(and now for my best trick of the day - Drumroll please)....CHANGE THE OUTCOME! Those days were exhausting, draining me like a grief vampire until I was reduced to a pile of mush on the floor, or couch, or bed, or - wherever was closest when the shadows closed in.

Now, only rarely do I find myself paralyzed by these two word questions. Emma has evolved in our family just as I have in my own skin and soul. No, now I find myself wondering something different. Ok - here's an example.

(Scene - driving in the car to preschool. The Comedian in the back seat, but visable by one of those handy mirrors minivan companies install)

Me- "I packed you a snack today, but lunch is grilled cheese and tomato soup. Doesn't that sound good honey?"
The Comedian - "Mama, can you put the soft songs on?"
Me - "Sure" (tuning the radio to the local classical station - then ready to try again on the lunch track I hear...)
The Comedian - (Softly singing) "I love youuuuu....oh yes I dooooooo" (NOTE: She has perfect pitch for a three year old. It's kinda amazing) "Emma is my sissster. Emma is the besssst girl in ooour family. I liiiiiiike she. I liiiiike she plant. I liiiiiike she angel. I loooooove my sister who liiiiives in heaven tooooo God."

(CUE THE SHADOWS FOR A WILDY UNPRECCEDENTED MOMENT) A combination of bittesweet AND introspective smiling AND rip my heart out AND oh-look at what good job I'm doing parenting AND DEFINATELY wow-I really have built a sisterly bridge MOMENT ALL WRAPPED INTO ONE.

I am crying, not sobbing, but crying and she is still singing. It is most beautiful song I have ever heard but it didn't launch me into the cycle of madness (thank God cause I was driving a car!). Insead, I found myself thinking, "How do mothers who lose a baby after delivering a heathly one cope? How do they allow themselved the melting days, the madness days, the indulgent take care of my bleeding heart days when they have another life looking up, needing them for everything?" And for a fleeting second - so wild and crazy I couldn't even believe it crossed my (potentally mad) mind, I thought, "If I did have to lose a child, I'm glad she was my first".

(Now CUE THE EMOTIONS) Anger, Guilt, Knowledge of sacrelidge, etc...etc...

I know we are broken to the point that our consciense mind is forced to look for meaning and reasons so we don't spend every waking minute in that melting stage, but this? This was the craziest reasoning my trecherous mind had ever played on me.

Even so, It was the most beautiful song I had ever heard.