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This is a place for anyone who has felt the loss of a child. Treat this as a communication haven regardless of how or when you felt your loss. My definition of loss: miscarriage at any stage, still birth regardless of week gestation, infant death at any month, and loss of a child even if your child was all grown up. For me they all hold the same root of devestation. None are more profound or more "easily" dealt with than another.

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A Modern Day Love Story

The Love Story

Falling in love with Jeremiah was swift and effortless, an uncontrollable undertoe challenging me to blindly accept, to live regardless of past or future, to exist in the moment. True love will do that. Love nearly-at-first sight will do that.

Consequently, every Friday night in the infancy of our relationship I packed my overnight bag and loaded it in my red Ford Escort. Leaving Cape Cod I evaporated a four and half hour drive singing love songs at the top of my lungs. Each week I arrived in Ludlow, cursing at traffic to move faster, as my body filled with bubbling anticipation knowing in the next moments, I would see him.

After one particularly infuriating trip concluding with my frustration at being forced to follow an “I go five miles an hour under the speed limit” eighteen wheeler for the last 10 miles, I finally pulled into the driveway of Jeremiah’s apartment. When I saw him, I gasped. It was a warm late summer evening and the sun, perfectly angled, lit him up. He stood, his back to me, in the center of the driveway. He was wearing chaps, a Carr hart shirt and holding a chainsaw upright towards the sky. He gripped it, one handed with such ease it looked like he could have reached out, chopped down a tree and returned the saw to its vertical position without noticing.

My heart all but stopped. I knew, in that moment, he was my future. He was. He is.

The Modern Twist... First Comes Love, Then Comes Baby, Then Comes Limo for The Wedding Party

I was pregnant at the wedding. This, in-and-of-itself did not make the story, not for me anyway. The purity of our connection told me it was inconsequential, nothing more than a double-arrowed reverse symbol in the society based taunting rhyme. This is not to say Society held it's tongue, but it's words were lost on me. It's whispers, stares, and halted conversations could not penetrate the shield forged by blinding love. I was overjoyed. No one had the power to dampen my bliss.

And It All Came Crashing Down...

I would be lying if I said the words never penetrated. They did, occasionally, and yet I felt no motivation to defend our love, our baby to those who judged.

And then - she died. And then - I died. And, I thought there was a real possiblity that the couple who just knew they were mean to be together might die a slow death too.

Today is our anniversary. Nine years ago today we vowed to love each other 'for better or worse'. Worse made a good show. We shared a long smiling glance at the priest's words, 'accept children that God chooses to bless you with', knowing we already had. May 6, 2000 was the happiest day of my life filled with laughter, love, smiles, and a performance on the dance floor I can say with assurance will never be repeated.

We made it. It wasn't easy. I love him more than I ever have, in a deeper, soul-comprehending, connected-by-loss kind of way that (pray God) most couples never have to work for.

And it is work. And it always will be. And it is worth it because the driveway may be longer, the Car harts might be trendier, and the chainsaw might be newer - but when the sun hits him just right at the end of a long day I still see that man. And my heart nearly stops. And I know he is still my future.


She said...

Happy anniversary! (Mine's next week. :) It's great to hear that it's getting better every year.

Michelle said...

Happy Anniversary! I will be celebrating 9 years this year in just a couple months.

Kristin said...

Oh Cara that is beautiful. I'm so glad you guys made it through your tragedy and have moved onto happier times.

Martha said...

Happy Anniversary to You and Jer!! Beautiful pics, touching story.

k@lakly said...

Happy 'versary!!!! What a bittersweet time it must be for both of you.

Bluebird said...

Happy anniversary and beautiful photos! Even though I'm sorry for the sadness, thank you for sharing your story. I so enjoyed learning more about you!

Brenna said...

Cara, this brought tears to my eyes! Beautifully written, what a testimony to your relationship. Happy Anniversary!!!

(And here all I could come up with were some snarky poems about Bruce's sperm. ;) You put me to shame...)

Another Dreamer said...

Happy anniversary!

Beautiful post, and I am glad you survived the hard times together.

Sara said...

Happy anniversary!

Hope's Mama said...

Beautiful Cara. Happy anniversary. How sweet to know Emma was safe and sound inside her Mama on this special day.

CLC said...

Happy belated Anniversary! I hope you celebrated in style!

MrsSpock said...

We share the same anniversary!

We started "trying" 5 months before the wedding. I wanted very much to be pregnant on our wedding day, though my body had other plans. You don't look pregnant in your dress- but you do look lovely and radiant!

Dalene said...

What a touching story, Cara. Happy anniversary to you both.

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